Published On:Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Dosa Purchasing is as complicated as Augusta Helicopter Purchasing

South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Last Sunday, we decided for having Holiday for female members, off day for utensils and a different day for stomach.

We decided for calling Masala Dosa from hotel. I called 'Ask Me' service for knowing nearby hotel that could deliver Masala Dosa at our house.

Ask Me - Would you prefer the ethnic South Indian Hotel, ethnic South Indian but non south Indian cook or a Chinese joints with Nepali cooks?

I - Ethnic South Indian

Ask Me- Tamilan , Karnataki or Andhra.  Kerala hotel are better for non vegetarian.

I-Ok Ok, any hotel will do. 'Ask Me' offered me two phone numbers for calling.

I called an ethnic South Indian Hotel- Hello I would like to order Dosa for home delivery. 

Receptionist - Would you like 100 percent ethnic South Indian, North Indian or Chinese Dosa? Indian West Indian Dosa are same of south.

I-Well! South Indian

Receptionist - Will it be Karnataki, Tamlian or Andhraian? Keralite is good for non vegetarian.

I- Well! Well! Tamil.

Receptionist – Which flour will you prefer? Rava, rice and urad or mixed one?

I- Rice and urad one will do.

Receptionist - Plain Dosa or filled with vegetables or simply boiled potato? Jain or Non Jain?

I- Vegetables and Non Jain

Receptionist - That's Fine. Would you like single vegetable, two vegetables or mixed vegetables?

I- I think mixed vegetable will do.

Receptionist - In mixed vegetable, would you prefer crispy ones or non crispy ones?

I-Perhaps, crispy will do.

Receptionist -Spicy or low spicy or no spicy

I - Medium spicy

Receptionist - You mean Low Spicy?

I - No. Medium Spicy

Receptionist -OK, You mean in between Spicy and low spicy?


Receptionist - Spices? Will you like the local brands, Indian brands or imported brands?

I- Indian brand

Receptionist - Well! Indian Brands? Will you like South Indian, North Indian or East Indian brand? West and south Indian brands are same.

I-East Indian

Receptionist - Purely East Indian or North East Indian brand?

I-Whatever you suggest

Receptionist - Thanks for offering me honor. Now, tell me salt as per your taste , as per our taste or as per chef taste?

I-Uff  ! As per Chef Taste. And, listen! Chutney and Sambahr as per your choice only.

Receptionist -Thanks for offering me honor again. Would you like rapping by normal paper rappers or aluminum foiled rappers?

I- What?

Receptionist - For normal paper rapper, we don't give guarantee of temperature but for aluminum rapper, we offer four hours guarantee for fixed temperature.

I-I think aluminum foil rapper would be better.

Receptionist - How many Masala Dosa?


Receptionist - Ok the bill amount is being sent though SMS. Will you pay tips or not?

I-Definitely will pay.

Receptionist - Should we add tip on bill or you will pay cash?

I- Cash.

Receptionist - Are you kind enough, mediocre or miser in offering tips?

I-What does it mean?

Receptionist - Sir! Don't mind please.  Accordingly, our delivery boy will bring change.

I- We are kind enough

Receptionist - That is very good.

Receptionist - Now, repeat for our audio taping – I am responsible for my order. In any case; I shall not return the food or would claim on hotel.

I- I am responsible for my order In any case; I shall not return the food or would claim on hotel.

Receptionist - OK. You will get Dosa exactly at Ten PM if there is no usual traffic jam.

After delivering the well packed Dosas, getting the kind enough tips the delivery boy returned. We opened the packets and found Dosas were ice cold.

I called the hotel and explained the receptionist.

Receptionist- You never asked about ice cold dosa or hot dosa.

I-But you asked for aluminum foil rapping and…

Receptionist- But sir! Has the customer have any responsibility or not?


11/7/2016 Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai

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