Published On:Thursday, 1 September 2016

Needing Certificates for Writing, Drawing and being Patriotic

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

 The wife said loudly from her makeup room," Today, you bring all certificates. You are too lazy. I feel embarrassed before my friends."

"OK, Baba! I shall bring certificate today." I answered.

She said, "I shall not remind again. If you don't bring certificates today, I shall cancel my visiting my Mom's place"

"I really want aloneness for two three days. I shall bring certificate today. You don't need cancellation for visiting your Mom's house" I said.

She instructed," See that certificate is in Hindi and not in English."

I answered," I can't change the script. The certificate is in English and the year 1974." I clarified

She came out and asked," What certificate are you talking about?"

I answered, "My Master degree back from Mumbai University. Long back I submitted for getting my Diploma in Finance Management from MU."

The wife said," Are you crazy? Who needs your degree at this age?"

I asked, "Which certificates you are talking about?"

She replied," I am talking about certificate for you don't eat Beef." Her voice stress was more on 'eat'.

"Certificate for 'Not taking Beef?'" shockingly I asked

"Yes! You go and take 'Certificate for not 'Eating Beef' and get other certificates too' she said.

I asked," You mean that I should get certificate for I don't take beef?"

She replied," Not only certificate for not 'eating' beef but get other certificates those  that state you are true Indian writer and don't make mockery of nationalist people."

I asked, "Certificate for I don't make mockery of nationalist people?"

She said, "Yes! Certificate for you doesn't make mockery of nationalist people and another certificate for you do not create those new words those not liked by certifying people."

I said," Certificate for I do not create those new words those certifying people don't like?"

The wife said, "Yes! You have already read in papers and social media. There is strong hues and cries from a political party side against legendary Uttarakhandi singer Narendra Singh Negi for using 'Dharmdhad' word in his song."

"It is BJP supporter brigade that unnecessary making issue of non issue." I explained.

She said," Narendra Singh Negi is larger than life, his support base is larger than Uttarakhand and he is legendary singer. Negi can sustain the pressure of BJP supporter brigade. You are an unknown writer. You need certificate for you don't use 'words' those not liked by BJP support brigade."

"What nonsense! Creator will use words as per his choice and need for the subject. I don't need any certificate from anybody. "I clarified.

Wife cautioned, "I don't know what you think about creators using words, sentences and symbols. I only need that you get a couple of certificates for living calmly peacefully in India."

I asked, "What are those certificates?"

She elaborated, "Certificates for you don't take beef, you don't use words those not liked by BJP supporters, you don't draw drawings not liked by Hindu, Muslim or other religious brigades, you don't put dresses which central minister Mahesh Sharma don't like, you don't use those colors not liked by any religious leaders or groups and a certificate that you are a true nationalist."

"What are you talking about? Does a writer need all these certificates?" I asked.

She said, "Yes all writers and creative need certificates from religious and political brigades."

"I shall return my awards against such mockery of democracy" I said.

She laughed and said," Since, you never took side of any political party you never got award not only from government but from social organizations too."

"I shall write to prime minister for these nonsense happenings in India." I said

She remarked," Don't waste your time. People write to the prime minister either for praising him, getting favors or asking his resignation"

Copyright Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

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