Pakistan hikes contract killing fees

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Tuesday, 23 May 2017 | Posted in , , , , , ,

Battling with the sudden slowdown in organised way of killing innocents and breaking countries, Pakistan finally increased its contract killing fees, embarking more revenue from at least the work it has been doing. Pakistan has also decided to make technologically advancement in creating terror infrastructure that will enable it to face the competition with the relatively new entrants like ISIS and Boko Haram.

"While we already merged Al Qaeda with us, facing competition from ISIS, Boko Haram and Al Shabab is slightly challenging. However, the new world demands advanced technologically superior terror infrastructure. Therefore, we took our first step towards achieving the new capabilities of organising terrorism across the world and breaking few more nations, unsettling political leaders and diverting funds towards making India more and more insecure," Pakistan Army Chief Qamar Bajwa confirmed "It is darn difficult these days when US and Europe have shown lack of interest in breaking down the nations. They are achieving their objectives through few unorganised players in the business of terrorism such as ISIS and Al Shabab to save some bucks. However, I believe these countries will in next few days or months will get the message that going to unorganised players will unlikely help them carrying out operations on a large scale, such as breaking USSR into Russia and other countries as well as creation of Talibani Afghanistan. Only Pakistan has such kind of specialisation to do work at a large scale and with professional hands."

World is yet to respond to Pakistan's demands for higher contract fees. However, India gave befitting response to Pakistan's terror activities by conducting punitive strikes on the line of control at Naushera.

Yogi Adityanath bans Uttar Pradesh people from spitting for more than 6 times a day

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Wednesday, 17 May 2017 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

Yogi Adityanath's Uttar Pradesh Government announced a complete ban on spitting for more than 6 times a day per person. According to a new circular issued by the government to the public at large of Uttar Pradesh, anyone who will be found spitting on the street, public places, government offices, parks, hospitals and any other places where public could go collectively or alone, will be charged and also will be hit so hard on his back that he will start vomiting at the said place. To implement the step, UP Government has appointed Anti Hero squad, in line with its Anti Romeo squad initiative.

While the exact reaction of the citizens of UP is yet to identify, experts expressed caution on the step taken by UP government.

"If we (UP people) don't spit then who will spit? What about Gutkha, Jarda and Pan Masala that suits our mouth like Gandhi cap on Arvind Kejriwal's skull? Outright banning on spitting would have serious consequences to BJP's elections victory in 2019," Brijmohan Yadav, an expert in Lucknow told India Satire correspondent in an exclusive interview while emptying his entire gutkha in mouth by spitting on the open space just neighbouring his chair "This idea wouldn't work at all. Citizen of Uttar Pradesh spits for 127 times a day on an average, at place of his choice. Now if you reduce his personal liberty from 127 times a day to 6 times a day, it would only create anarchy like situation."

While many criticized the state government's step, few welcomed it though raising questions about its implementation as well as questioned about freedom of spit. "We welcome the step but we still doubt about its implementation," Pappu Pandey, activist of clean India told India Satire correspondent while spitting just behind his chair "Government should come clean on how it will implement the step and what about the right to spit?"

According to the state officials, the UP Government will appoint 2 constables in Anti Hero squad against every spitter which will continuously keep watch on him. Whenever the spitter spits 7th time, one of the constables will come and slap him so hard with a big punch on his back, making him vomit entire stuff filled in his tummy.

5 things Donald Trump shared with Russian President Vladimir Putin according to Washington Post

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , ,

Washington Post, which exposed that the US President Donald Trump shared highly classified secret information with Russian officials, has now revealed the list of documents.

Following is the secret list of documents

1.     Secret video of love between Adam and Eve, directly taken by American agency CIA during the beginning of world

2.     Secret documents of DC Comics and Marvel Comics which reveal American strategies on how its superheroes conclusively finished entire evil creatures out of the universe

3.     Queen Elizabeth have not taken bath for past 25 years

4.     Secret documents sharing 90% American blondes have fake hair

5.     Secret document that reveals it's not God but American created the universe

5 things to watch out in the movie Half Girlfriend

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Tuesday, 16 May 2017 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

As the movie Half Girlfriend is slated to be released in few days, we listed out 5 important things to watch out for. We also provided advisory of few things to take with you when visit the cinema hall to watch the movie.

Following are five important things to watch out for in Half Girlfriend

1.     It is Mohit Suri's movie. Carry, extra handker chief so that you could wipe out your tears to see the problems of some other planet.

2.     Arijit Singh is singing, why, I don't know. Someone told me that he gets money to cry and he is the only singer who brings tears to your ears. You need to carry a big box of cotton knobs to cover your ears. Also avoid eating pop corns while listening to his voice which comes straight from epiglottis.

3.     Use night vision goggles to reduce the impact of Arjun Kapoor's creepy smile and Shraddha's vampish eyes.

4.     Depending on you and how you receive this movie, Chetan Bhagat will write his new script and Mohit Suri will direct another wet eyes drama.

5.     Experience how do people yell on the streets of US.

Pakistan to appeal against ICJ in Kulbhushan Jadhav case in BCJ

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , , ,

As the position seems to be weakening in International Court of Justice (ICJ) in Kulbhushan Jadhav case, Pakistan decided to appeal in Banana Court of Justice (BCJ) in Islamabad post ICJ gives its verdict. The country's National Security Advisor Sartaj Aziz told Pakistani media that the country is willing to raise the matters in BCJ under Mogadishu Convention, signed by all the banana republic countries in Somalia.

"We will go to BCJ if ICJ doesn't give its verdict framed under the Mogadishu Convention of all banana republics, including Pakistan," Aziz told media "Whatever judgments Pakistan's court of justice as well as military courts take are under Mogadishu Convention."

According to Pakistan media, if the government appeals in BCJ, it would be a big setback for India as it would be embarrassed in front of all the banana republic countries in the world.

Animals never make a mistake - Study

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Wednesday, 10 May 2017 | Posted in , , , , , ,

A study by a joint collaboration of Animal Planet and National Geographic reveals that animals on the planet never make a single mistake in their life. The study was conducted on the special request of World Wife Federation (WWF) jointly by Animal Planet and National Geographic Channel. 

"Our study reveals that animals on earth have never committed a single mistake in their life, including male animals. The study has a very shocking results and could be used by all the wives across the world in their arguments with husbands," Jack Gellar, the study manager confirmed "We were specifically asked by WWF to see such thing that animals, particularly male animals have actually committed any kind of mistakes in the past or doing so in the present. Gladly, not a single instance we could find out."

Gellar told India Satire correspondent that the study mechanism included very scientific methodology and included understanding of behaviour and mind thinking. The world could be benefited greatly from the study as the wives across the nations would be empowered with more teething facts and arguments.

"We are happy that the findings are as exactly as we earlier thought. Now, it has become a fact that our husbands who commits mistakes every time should learn from these animals, including donkeys," said Hillary Clinton, the president of WWF.

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