My Village Achieving 100% Modernity

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Sunday, 24 July 2016 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor:  Bhishma Kukreti

In our childhood, my cousin Chandu Bhaiji dreamt for the modern life in Mumbai and I dreamt for a college teacher in rural Garhwal. However, that  happened the opposite. He is a lecturer in an Inter college nearby my village and I do job in Mumbai.

Before mobile of telephone came, we used to share our experiences through letters not through post office but through our area men going to area villages from Mumbai or coming to Mumbai from villages. Most of the time, I tell my memories of village life of my childhood and he tells the tales of my village achieving modernity.

Like other day, he gave miss call on my mobile, I called him again and he said, "Bhishma! Now, our village achieved fifty percent modernity."

Happily I asked," That is fine. What is new achievement?"

Chandu Bhaiji answered," This year on Vasant Panchmi, we stopped putting Hariyali on upper part of doors."

I said, "That's fine. By the way, what is about common toilets for villagers?'

He said, "No I don't think we shall get grant for the common toilets for the villagers. The government is asking fifty rupees from each family and nobody is ready for such a useless utility for this money."

Another day, he gave a miss call, I called him and he said," Bhishma! We got the fifty five percent modernity in my village. From this year, we villagers stopped celebrating Makar Samkranti but started celebrating Valentine day. And even the older men and women enjoyed Valentine day celebration. Really valentine day is very enjoyable festival. By starting Valentine day celebration, we progressed two percent in achieving modernity and by stopping Makar Samkranti celebration, we got three percent achievement in progressing towards modernity in our village "

I asked," Bhaiji! Is there any progress for Patti Water Canal? If that water canal would be completed, the whole area would be irrigated "

He answered, "No! Nobody in the area is interested to bring irrigation canal because, canal means agriculture, horticulture and both are the sign of non-modernity. We all villagers are now, bent to reach hundred percent modernity in each village"

Like that after getting his miss call, I called him and asked, "Bhaiji ! What happened electrification in the area?"

He answered with enthusiastically, "Nobody is interested in electrification because, electricity bills are more than burden on us. But we got progress by five percent in achieving modernity. From this year, we villagers stopped celebrating First Day of Shak Sambat or Goodi Padiva and by that we could attain three percent progress in achieving modernity This year only, we stated celebrating Christian new year on thirty fist December and first January. We all enjoyed Christian New Year eve by taking alcoholic drinks by all including women folks of villages and we all danced whole night. Christian New year is better than our Hindu new year celebration from enjoyment point of view. By this we got two percent advancement in accomplishing modernity in our villages"

Concluding he said," Till now, we have achieved eighty five percent modernity in our village.

A few days after, I came know that my Taiji (Chandu Bhaiji's mother) expired and I called him and came to know that he was in funeral and offering pyre to Taiji's dead body. After an hour he gave miss call, as usual I called him and said sadly, "I am sorry Tai Ji expired. She was my second mother for me"

Happily and applaud he answered," Yes mother is no more but our village achieved hundred percent modernity. Now our village is hundred percent modern"

I confusingly asked,, " How come by the death of Taii our village is hundred percent modern"

Chandu Bhaiji answered joyfully, "You know! My Mother was the only person in our village who used to speak in our mother tongue that is Garhwali language and forcefully I and my wife had to speak in Garhwali language with her. Now she is no more and nobody will speak in Garhwali language in our village. Now, everybody will talk in Hindi only. Bhishma ! We improved fifteen percent in realizing the 100% modernity in the village. Now you can call us modern too." He further informed me, "All villagers decided that we shall celebrate this biggest ever achievement of hundred percent modernity on Terhveen (thirteenth day of death) of my mother and we shall take thirteen types of alcoholic drinks on that day"

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF BHISHMA: News for Fake Election Candidature

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor:  Bhishma Kukreti

A few days back of election date declaration in Uttarakhand, there were miss calls from my Chandi mama from Shyampur , Rishikesh. Whenever he has his own works from me he will give miss calls and it is my birth duty that I call him back.

I called Chandi Mama a far relative from my mother side and he shouted like a barking dog who is annoyed on not catching a cat, "Bhishm! You forgot your responsibility. You should have called immediately after one miss call."

Since, it was a common practice by Chandi mama from the day he got mobile, I asked, "Mama! Tell me. What is biting you?"

Mama responded, "You publish articles in all periodicals of Uttarakhand, Mumbai and other cities. Immediately that Chandi Prasad a very powerful social worker of Dhangu, Dabralsyun is fighting election from Yamkeshwar constituency from a national political party. Don't forget to post me all newspapers to me"

It was little bit surprise for me that a man whose children are studying with his sisters and whose wife is working with a small shopkeeper for daily needs is daring to fight an election. I asked, "Mama! Are you mad that you fighting election?"

Chandi Mama yelled, "You became a grandfather but did not learn the basic etiquettes that you should not disturb the speaker. The news should be with exaggerating phrases as 'Prasidh samajik Karykarta, Janta ka Pyara-dulara, 'Messiah of Ironsmiths and coppersmiths', the goldsmiths of area are behind Chandi Prasad, Rajputon ka Pratyasi and Brahmins die for him , teachers association of Dhangu-Dabralsyun has full   support to Chandi Parasad, the unionist of BPO (below poverty line) .. ."

I interrupted," But mama! What the hell…"

Chandi mama  was not in mood to listen me," You got friends in Hindustan Times, Dainik Jagran, Amar Ujala, etc , Nav Bharat times i too . You use all your relationships in media and publish the news of my jumping into the assembly election fray. The news should be so much effective that Vijaya Barthwal, Digambar Kukreti, Renu Bisht, Sarojani Kaithola, Rajni Kukreti should feel pinch by their heart."

I again disrupted and said, "Are you really fighting election?"

Chandi mama did not mind interruption, "No! No! I am not fighting election at all."

I asked, "Then?"

Mama explained, "Bhishm! As there is seasonal business in commerce, there is seasonal business at the time of any election. Crores of rupees will be spent in Yamkeshwar constituency in the form of Bugthya, chickens, Fish, various alcoholic drinks and in the form of hard cash. All these things go to people through election agents. I want to become election agent for a national political party that I earn money in this season and I may be happy for next three years till parliamentary election is due."

I asked, "Does the political party candidate not know who real political activists in the area are and who are fake activists and the candidate would make you chief area agent?"

Chandi mama answered, "Those who visit constituency regularly they know what is reality but in most of the cases, the political leaders don't care to visit constituency after election is over. Even the political leaders who visit constituency regularly require an army of cunning agents and candidates pour money on cunning agents than honest agents. By my news appearing in regional news papers, definitely, a political party will bet money on me for becoming me their area election agent and I shall make money for the season."

Since, Chahndi mama is my mother's first cousin's maternal uncle's third cousin's son, I had to oblige him and I had to take obligation of my media friends.

                                xxxxxxx           xxx    xxxx    xx   x

Today, I got a miss call from Chandi mama and I called him. Chandi Mama informed me that he is been appointed chief election agent for Malla Dhangu and hope that he would earn lot of money in the season.

Editor and publisher's declaration: All legal cases against the author will be settled amicably in the form of a Khassi Bugthya (Strong he Goat) and rum, whisky depending upon grievance of the case.

Copyright@ Bhishm Kukreti 2012

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF BHISHMA: Whom Shall I Vote in Coming Uttarakhand Assembly Election?

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor:  Bhishma Kukreti

Since last election of Uttarakhand  result were declared , M.S Mehta  of Mera pahad .com, Purnendu Chauhan of Young Uttaranchal/Uttarakhand, Chandra Shekhar Joshi of Himalay, many newspaper journalist friends and my own friends have been asking me  whom I shall vote in the coming election of 2012. My above friends will be happy now, that I could open my silence but others will comment that I am blowing my own trumpet. Well! I am from marketing that I shall not blow other's trumpet at all but will blow my trumpet only.

Till yesterday, they were just reminding me but now calls are pouring to me to declare my choice of political party for Uttarakhand assembly.  Let me tell you the secret:

I am very much confused as Anna team is confused that now, which party they should believe because from their angle of concern, all politicians are of same feathers or in clear words all politicians are black sheep.   Since, to launch  white sheep politicians (new honest political party ) or to call the real honest politicians for fighting election  is as taking the bit in the teeth, Anna team and myself have to choose better black sheep  from the herd of political  black sheep.

My first Ghanghtol (Confusion) is whether I should vote the politician for whom politics is bread and butter or I should rely on politicians who just entered into political arena.  In both cases, both candidates have set eyes on the powerful post rather than eying on the causes benefitting the people.  Let me first clear this confusion and then I shall decide whom I should vote.  Both believe in gold-digging through political means.

Second Ghanghtol (puzzlement) is whether independents are worthy to try or let them be happy by losing the election for the sake of making democracy strong or may be making mockery of democracy.

There is always a  Ghanghtol (riddle) before election's 'halchal ' starts  whether I should go for according to my Jat (Caste) and follow our oldest and centuries old custom of 'Kha' aur 'B' ( A fight for power between Rajput and Brahmin ) of Garhwal  or I should show my snobbishness that I am  intellectual and don't care for Brahmin-Rajput phenomenon. My Ghanghtol (enigma) would be  that if I defy the oldest tradition of Garhwal that is Kha' aur 'B' (A fight for power between Rajput and Brahmin), people of my Brahmin community and even Rajput population will definitely perceive that I only write articles about protecting Garhwali culture and do not practice it. Since, I believe in 'Mau chhodi deen pan Ganv ni chhodan' (Leave your brother for community sake), I will not follow the intellectualism.  I always  follow the tradition and will definitely protect our cultural heritage of 'Kha' aur 'B' ( A fight for power between Rajput and Brahmin ) of Garhwal  . Therefore choice would be Brahmin for me.

Another Ghanghtol (question) is about whether I should go for a political party or the best candidate. Well! I shall take lesions from my grandfather that a successful person should always go with winning candidate.  Since, I would like to be called a successful person I shall go for winning candidate and I heard not from horse to mouth but watched BBC for that sake and came to from CNN International news channel too that in my area, no independent candidate wins except once Shri Bhairav Datt Dhulia. Since, we believe that BBC or CNN are better news analysts than the people in my area I shall not go for best candidate but will choose from the political parties.  

There is less Ghanghtol (problem) about Samajvadi Party and Bahujan Samajvadi Party as they don't have any chance , I shall not vote them .

I came to know from a newspaper (You will not know this weekly as the said paper is published for file purpose that is the paper published only for government advertisement in ten or twelve copies) that there is a Parivartan party.  By name, the party seems to be  fair and square party and I would like to take fancy of Parivartan party but then principle taught by my grandfather (whom his grandfather taught) does not allow me to vote for Parivartan Party as there is hundred percent surety for Parivartan party not only losing the election from my area but losing deposit by its candidate too. My grandfather taught me to be with winning person and not with losing person.

There are many parties such as Parivartan Party and from my voting angle, all are same. Therefore parties as Parivartan Party, none will get my vote

From political point of view I would prefer to vote and canvas for Uttarakhand Kranti Dal as UKD is my first love.  For an Uttarakhand movement agitator,  Uttarakhand Kranti Dal is always first love. I heard speeches of late Dr D.D. Pant, K.S. Airi, under the banner of UKD in Mumbai I heard the false speeches of minister of Uttarakhand Divakar Bhatt in Garhwal Darshan Mumbai and supported late Arjun Singh Gusain for his election campaign as Uttarakhand Kranti Dal member of parliament candidate though in principle, I was against that late Gusain ji should take part in election.  However, Kranti Dal is a party of past and not of future, though, nothing is impossible in political arena.  Therefore, I shall not vote for UKD though, it is still my first love in politics.  I shall not go for losing party as taught by my grandfather whom his grandfather taught not to be with losing side at all.

Congress can balance every sects of India. Now, the chance of my voting to Congress is very bleak because I will never encourage dynasty practices in democracy.  The democracy was chosen by people to stop dynasty provision and if I vote for Congress I shall definitely be against the basic principle of democracy. To save the principles of Democracy, I shall not vote for congress candidate who may be a Brahmin of my cast level.

Now, there is only one political party left in the fray and that is Bhartiy Janta Party. However, I can't think to vote Bhartiy Janta Party as its game is up about Ram Mandir and its play of double game about

'The Party with Difference' is also exposed after it ruled India and in many states including Uttarakhand. Bhartiy Janta Party is very poor copy of Indian National Congress party. I would never vote a party which is poor copy of Congress party.

Therefore, I shall not go for voting but go outing and will take lunch with Patvari ji (revinue-police officer) who will offer me pork killed by area farmers and alcoholic drink got from the agents of various political parties, of course, both would be free.

 Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti

Valentine Day is a New Craze in My Village

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor:  Bhishma Kukreti

Those who comment that there is no progress in rural Uttarakhand are far away from reality. There might not be progress from water availability point of view but the people of Uttarakhand are as progressive as Uttarakhandis in Canada as Parashar Gaud, Balkrishna Bhatt in Singapore ,  or as progressive as Geetesh Negi in Singapore or Vinod Jethuri in UAE.

Today is Valentine day, Gaud, Geetesh, Balkrishna and Jethuri did not post me any well wishes for Valentine day.

However, I have been receiving calls from Pahad from Rose day about 'Happy Valentine Day'. 

Fifteen years old Sharmila a niece in relation from my village asked me through pay call store from her school area situated in my village, "Uncle! Are you aware that last year, Bhondu, Rutadu, Hagadu, Mutadu, Simsimu, Simpdyaa from other villages residing in different cities came to our village for Nagraja Pooja celebration?"

I answered, "Yes! Beta! I am fully aware that they have relation in our village and came to our village at that auspicious occasion."

She told," Uncle! I want their E-Mail IDs which you noted down at that time."

I asked her, "Sharmila! Why do you require E-Mail Ids?"

She answered," Uncle! Every girl in my high school has been posting 'Happy Valentine day' compliments   to their friends residing in cities. Since, foolishly I couldn't collect their E-Mail Ids I am still to post such complements. Everybody including my headmistress Mrs. Bhibhratya Devi is teasing me for my not posting Valentine Day complements to my friends residing in cities."

 I advised her, "Beta! You can offer 'Valentine Day' compliments to your friends in villages itself."

She explained," No! No! Everybody including my vice-headmistress Mrs. Dhamdyati Devi says that greatness lies if we could post Valentine Day complements to friends residing in Indian cities or foreign countries."

I still insisted,' But Beta! Nothing is wrong in complementing village friends for that matter."

She shouted," Uncle! Everybody in my school including my class teacher Miss Chhakchhyati Chhori says that it is the lowest standard for a village girl offering VD complements to rural guys. "

Confusingly, I asked," Beta! I am unable to understand this argument."

She explained," Our social behavior teacher Miss Chakchundari made us very clear that since every village girl has to marry a city boy, it is essential that a village girl learns all bad etiquettes of cities in her teen age."

I did say," In a way, Miss Chakchundari is absolutely right"

She ordered me," Uncle! Please SMS the Email-Ids of all the boys." She put off the phone.

There was another miss call from my old class mate Acharya Prasad. Since, since his childhood, his inclination was towards plucking Hisra , Kingoda etc, he could not study beyond fifth standard. Very extrovert Acharya Prasad is now famous social worker of my area.

I asked, "Tell me Acharya?"

He replied," Bhishm! You know that these days, people including college and school principals of our area call me for delivering lecturer for every occasion."

I complemented him, "It's because you are better orator than Atal Bihari Vajpai and late Prakash Veer Shashtri. What is so urgent from me?"

He informed, "Tomorrow I have to deliver lecture in three junior schools, one inter college and in one degree college."

I said," that's great."

He said,' Yes! I have to deliver lecture on Valentine Day in each schools and colleges."

I shouted," What?"

Acharya answered," Yes, as of now, Valentine Day has become a social craze, in our villages. You please brief me about Valentine day, the reason behind its celebration and what is the significant of Valentine day. Just brief and I shall elaborate and will make it interesting the subject by adding the stories of Krishna's Ras leela etc."

 I explained Acharya about Valentine Day whatever I learned from the Internet Blogs as 'Hamar Uttarakhand' ,'Kauthig','Myor Uttarakhand', We R Kukreti',' Kumauni-Garhwali Youth',  'Bedupako' etc.

 Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti

Corruption of Bangaru Laxman is not Corruption but Bofors case is corruption of Congress

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Yesterday, the court held Bangaru Laxman guilty for taking bribe for army deal when he was Bhartiya Janta Party (BJP) President. Bangaru accepted bribe in a sting operation designed by Tahelka periodical.

 I approached a BJP spokesperson for knowing the views of political party which boosts for an Indian political party of difference.

I asked," Sir, the ex-BJP president is found guilty of corruption for taking bribe in an army deal."

The BJP spokesperson said," No! No! It is not case of corruption because Bangaru Laxman did not take bribe from the arm trader but from a corrupt journalist."

I asked," If a journalist approaching bribe is corrupt then automatically Bangaru is also corrupt."

The BJP spokesperson said," No! No! A journalist may be corrupt but BJP politician should not be framed as corrupt politician."

I asked," Even the camera clearly shows the case of corruption from the side of your party ex-president Bangaru Laxman."

The BJP spokesperson said," Bangaru Laxman will appeal the case in higher court and till then nobody should classify Bangaru Laxman as corrupt individual"

I said," by your logic Lalu Prasad Yadav is innocent because the case is pending in higher court."

The BJP spokesperson said," No! No! Lalu Prasad is definitely indulged in fodders scam. All newspapers and periodicals vouch for Lalu Yaday's corruption. Even, 'Panchjany weekly vouches that the ex-chief minister Lalu Prasad Yadav is a corrupt politician. "

I said," But 'Tahelka' is also a periodical"

The BJP spokesperson said," 'Panchjanya' is a Rashtrabhakt or nationalist periodical and 'Tahelka' periodical is antinationalist newspaper."

 I said," It is ridiculous to comment that 'Panchjany' is nationalist newspaper and "Tahleka' is antinationalist newspaper."

The BJP spokesperson said," 'Panchjanya' never criticizes BJP members and 'Tahleka' always criticizes the members of Bhartiya Janta Party."

I said, "Why doesn't your party beg pardon from Indians that your party president was corrupt."

The BJP spokesperson angrily said," No! No! At present, it is that case of individual fighting his legal case in the court. When an individual is busy in fighting his legal case you should never blame him or her for corruption."

I said," By that logic your party should not raise any voice against Bofors case and should not criticize Rajeev Gandhi; BJP should not condemn Kalmadi for Common Wealth Games; NDA should not blame A. Raja for 2G scandal or Ashok Chauhan for Adarsh scam."

The BJP spokesperson furiously said," Because Congress is not nationalist party. Congress is always indulged in corrupt methods"

I said," How can you state that congress is not nationalist party but BJP is nationalist party?"

The BJP spokesperson made me understand peacefully," Congress does not take order from leaders of Rashtriy Swayam Sangh and BJP leaders take orders from RSS. "


Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti

Unity by Splitting and Dividing

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Other day, there was a cultural function of a newly formed Uttarakhandi organization Uttarakhand Hiteshani Sabha in Noida. Most of the known Uttarakhandi social workers of Delhi, Gudgaon, Ghaziabad, Faridabad, Noida (NCER) attended the Uttarakhandi Song and Dance program. But a couple of  social workers came out from the hall and sat in a moderate bar in a locality adjacent to Noida .

After placing order for two bottles of whisky, the committee member of Garhwal Bhratri Mandal , Dhaulakunvan said, " There is an urgent need of unity among all social organizations . You see I am one and half years senior than my colleague in Garhwal Bhratri Mandal but this new organization Hitaisani Sabha called my junior on the stage for honoring him and not me . We must do immediately something for the unity of Uttarakhand is in Delhi area "

The bartender has started serving the whisky to all and a committee member Uttarakhand Vichar Manch Faridabad said," Yes! You are right. There is very urgent need of unity among all the social organizations of Delhi area. See! This new organization called four members of Uttarakhand Mitra Mandal Faridabad on the stage to honor but not me. Though I am there a committee member of Uttarakhand Vichar Manch from the day one when we bifurcated Old Uttarakhand Mitra Mandal Faridabad and formed new Uttarakhand Vichar Manch. We all here, are seasoned social workers and it is our duty to think about unity of Uttarakhandis in Delhi area "

In agitating mood, gulping a full whisky peg, the committee member of Uttarakhand Pravashi Sangh Sahibabad said," I do agree with you .We can not sit ideally . We most aware Uttarakhandi social workers cant keep quite to see diminishing unity among Uttarakhandis. Take the case of my organization Uttarakhand Pravashi Sangh. I applied for fund to my social organization for doing a rehabilitation camp in my village for stopping alcohol consumptions among village folks but the president bluntly said that first we should take care of Sahibabad people. Wah! We are Uttarakhandi and first we should take care of our brothers and sisters in Uttarakhand .Let us think seriously about the unity of Uttarakhandis in Delhi area"

Sipping third peg, the committee member of Uttaranchal Kala Kendra Ghaziabad said, " yes our unity is in danger. I am afraid if we intelligent Uttarakhandi sit inactive, no body will be there to take name of Uttarakhand in Delhi area. Take example of my organization. I requested my organization about funding a Bhangada dance of Sali but my organization refused funding .This is ridiculous. If our organization cant encourage my Sali's talent, how come they can help other Uttarakhandis! We must act very fast for unity of Uttarakhandis in Delhi area"

Every body was showing their worries about diminishing unity among Uttarakhandis in Delhi area.

A senior social worker who had been in tens of organizations asked," You all are right. Our unity is in much danger than what we see on the surface. What is your suggestion?:

The committee member of a six month old organization Uttarakhand Maha Sangh said," Let us form a new organization."

Everybody cheered loudly as if everybody were waiting for this suggestion. " Yes ! Yes! We can not see diminishing unity among Uttarakhandis in Delhi area"

Gulping fourth whisky peg, the committee member of nine months old Uttarakhand Sena Dal said," Yes I am also for forming new social organization to save the unity of Uttarakhandis in Delhi area. What should be the name of this new organization?"

Though, he had fifth pegs in his belly, the committee member of six months old organization Uttarakhand Sarvpakhsiy Dal said, " United Uttarakhand Maha Sabha is the best name for our new organization"

Everybody appreciated the idea and gulped whisky peg in excitement for new name.

The committee member of a week old organization Asli Uttarakhand Hitaisani Sabha asked," What should we do now?"

The committee member of three days old organization Uttarakhand Yuva Kalyan Mandal cleared the confusion," As usual! First we shall send press notes about the aims of our new organization. Then we shall print the letter head of United Uttarakhand Maha Sabha and that is all."

Now, everybody was satisfied .however, a committee member of fifteen days old organization Sacchi Ki Uttarakhand Hitaisani Sabha said," That's fine. I have connection in media and I shall see that all vernacular papers of Delhi and all papers of Uttarakhand give full coverage ."

Committee member of Uttarakhand Ekta Samiti asked ," I am with you in formation of new organization for the unity of Uttarakhandis but tell me what will be the subject of press release?"

The committee member of Uttarakhand ki Ekmev Ekta Samiti , " The subject will be that in the interest of unity of Uttarakhandis in Delhi area , intelligent and Uttarakhand super conscious people formed a new organization which , will work for the unity of Uttarakhandis in Delhi area."

Everybody said," That is fine .That is fine"

Xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxxx

After one month, in the name of unity among Uttarakhandis in Delhi area, the ultra conscious people formed ten new social organizations and not surprisingly, every organization is aiming to unite Uttarakhandis all over India

(This work is work of fiction. Any name or place resembles with the satire , it is just coincident .)

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, India , 2016

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