Beef plans to eat Rishi Kapoor

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Thursday, 2 April 2015 | Posted in , , , , , ,

After reading his liberal views and pure love for all beefs, one bullock in India is planning to eat Rishi Kapoor. The bull confirmed that Rishi would be his first non-veg try but hopefully it would be really tasty.
"I am looking forward for a strong combination of meat and bones in Rishi Kapoor. I asked my cook buffalo to try different cuisines full of Rishi's meat and bones. Hopefully, I would get tasty tangadi fry and Rishi tandoori or Kapoor kabab in return," said the bull who was upset for changing laws in India.
"Now I am not popular after Maharashtra state government banned beef. While I am thankful to those who voiced against the cancellation of the special treatment for me by channelizing my meat to millions of tummies, I specially think of thanking Rishi who looks like me and understands my pain deeply," said the bullock.
The bullock told India Satire correspondent that he would be ready to break the laws and still be comfortable giving similar special treatment to Rishi Kapoor.
"He need not be worried, for a change I will eat him and will provide the similar experience that beef enjoys. His meat, I believe would be Yummy," said bullock.

Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal launches 'miracle pen' to identify traitors in the party

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Tuesday, 31 March 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal has launched 'miracle pen', developed by IIT Delhi alumnis that will immediately identify traitors in Aam Aadmi Party who are plotting against Kejriwal. The pen, which looks like another 'Cello' pen if threw on a party candidate would immediately turn him into smelly, dirty and 'Jani Dushman' kind of monster.

"This pen is too good. Yesterday, I threw it on Ashish Khetan who turned into monster with huge stubble. However, I realised that Khetan already had stubble. Then I used it on Kumar Vishwas and Ashutosh but they remained as it is, proving the credibility of this technology. If anybody had turned into monster I would have kicked on his a$$ and would have thrown him out of the party," said Arvind Kejriwal, demonstrating the pen into a press conference.

Kejriwal told media that these days IIT Delhi alumnis are busy developing different gadgets and applications that would help him sustain his reputation as aam aadmi.

"These guys immediately started working on the pen when Prashant Bhushan and Yogendra Yadav plotted a heinous conspiracy against me. Within a month they developed this wonderful technology. I used the pen on Yogendra and Prashant's photos which turned into monsters," said Kejriwal.

Kejriwal told reporters that yesterday night he called all the party workers and personally checked the authenticity and couldn't find any traitor. He also told the reporters that IIT alumnis are developing another pen which would help him identifying his critic in Delhi public.

"As soon as I found the critic, I will throw him out of the state - ha ha ha," said Kejriwal giving his innocent smile.

Pakistan media pleasantly surprised with Manish Sisodia's 'begging bowl' comment; says India is rightly following track of largest Islamic democracy

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Friday, 13 February 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , , ,

Pakistan media has positively reacted to Aam Aadmi Party leader and Delhi Deputy Chief Minister Manish Sisodia's 'begging bowl' comment in an interview and said that the leader has laid the foundation of Indo-Pak unity by accepting the culture of world's largest Islamic democracy.
"When Mia Manish Sisodia said that he along with Janaab Arvind Kejriwal will go door and door with begging bowl in their hands, we were positively surprised that the new movement in India was already accepted by Pakistan 68 years back. We believe that Janaab Kejriwal has closely studied the basic tenet of Pakistan that has helped the country to survive and prosper and is successfully adopting it. However, he is still at early stage and we will provide him all the help to master in it," said Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif in his congratulatory press statement to Aam Aadmi Party Chief Arvind Kejriwal.
When asked about the basic tenet of Pakistan that helped the country in prospering, Sharif said "bheekh maangna".
Manish Sisodia in an exclusive interview to CNN IBN yesterday told anchor Bhupendra Chaube that he will go door to door with Arvind Kejriwal to collect funds for Delhi's development when asked how will the party generate funds to fulfill its promises.
"Hum bheekh mangenge. Mein aur Arvind haat me 'katora' (begging bowl) leke nikal padenge aur ghar ghar jaake bheek mangenge," Manish Sisodia told Chaube.
Pakistan media which closely tracks Indian political development immendiately claimed that begging is the intellectual right of Pakistan.
In one media debate, anchor Reham Khan said "Najreen, Bharati hukamaran ab Pakistani politicians ke tareeke apna rahi hai. Ab Bharat bhi Pakistan jaise bheek maang ke apni development karega. Kya ye ek Hindustani hukamarano ki koshish hai ki Indo Pak unity ki taraf aage badhe, yahi aaj hum discuss karenge is debate me."
However, there was a critical side also. ARY News anchor Mubashir Lucman said "Najreen, Bharati politicians abhi Pakistan ke rupaye jamaa karne ke tareeke me apni khusulsul jahariyat pesh kar rahe hai hai. Bharat ke naye CM Mia Kejriwal Pakistan ke hukamaraan jaise bheekh maangne ke development laana chaahte hai. Unki ye koshish aaj ghar ghar jaake bheek maangne ki hai lekin is baat se inkaar nahi kiya jaa sakta ki unki ye koshish amreeki sadar aur chini politicians se bheekh maangne tak pahuchi to Pakistan ko bahut bada jhatka mil sakta hai. Najreen me hamesha meri baato ka aapko proof dikhata hu. Ye video clip dekhiye. India ke ek hukamaran Janaab Sisodiaji kaise bataa rahe hai ki wo Pakistan jaise bheek maangne ke liye taiyaar hai. Ye footage ek hi point prove karti hai ki India ki Raaaa ab Pakistan ko uske paise jamaa karne ke tareeke se hatwa denaa chaahti hai."
However, few Indians from other parts of the country said that idea of begging is not good and shows that AAP has no plan to develop India's capital.
"Aise bheek mangunga kind of comments pass karne se better, they should work out plan to develop the capital. To the world, he (Sisodia) gives message that India will follow the track of Pakistan," said one middle class person from Mumbai.

Metro man undecided about his sexual work during next one month

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , ,

Metro man who works day and night to ensure his comfortable retirement life is still undecided about having any physical relationship during the next month. Ajay Pillai (name changed) told India Satire correspondent that he is not able to remember when he has that fiery physical night.
"That day I think I was at home or may be somewhere. I don't clearly recall. Yea but possibly that was holiday and therefore I could gave my 100% in that some physical work, so called intercourse," said Ajay who works for a multinational investment bank in Mumbai with many aspirations, a lot of energy with huge stamina for investment banking work.
Ajay has got two promotions during previous year while sacrificing for intercourse and healthy sex life. However, he is still not sure whether he would take a liberty of having sex this year too.
He said "Forget year 2015, I don't know next month I would be having sex or not. Finally, I want healthy and comfortable retirement life post 50 years. Possibly after that I will think about it."

Indian Government decided to celebrate Republic Day in Washington

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 19 January 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

Extremely annoyed by constant poking of US Security agencies over President Barack Obama's visit to India for the occasion of Republic Day, Indian Government has decided to celebrate the event in Washington at White House. According to sources, the government has asked White House officials to convert Barack Obama's house into Red Fort for 3 days from where India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi will address to the world.

"Their (US security agencies) non-stop demands are now becoming nonsensical things yaar. This guy (Obama) is going to visit for 2-3 days and he wants to change the entire Delhi by 360 degrees. What nonsense? It is better Modiji visit US and address to the nation as well as world from White House. We have asked US agencies to make necessary arrangements in the remaining span of time. We also asked them to colour White House into red, so that feel will remain as Modiji and Pranabda are giving speech from Red Fort," said an official privy to the development.

The official confirmed that both, President Pranab Mukherjee and PM Narendra Modi are willing to spend some time in US to address people. They also asked the viability of taking all the people who planned to witness the event at Red Fort.

"Aakhir Delhi ki public ko bhi to US visit milni chahiye n," said the official.

Climate change might bring a possible solution for the Kashmir conflict?

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Sunday, 18 January 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , , , ,

Column – Sourajit Aiyar

Views expressed are entirely personal. Apologies for any unintentional offensive connotation

"Where people failed, nature succeeded" – is the buzz as climate change poses a solution to the decades-long Kashmir conflict.

As the intensity and tenure of extreme cold wave increases each successive year in the subcontinent's northern fringes, the region of Kashmir faces one of the worst brunt of this phenomenon of climate change. This phenomenon, which has forced Indians in northern cities like Delhi, Chandigarh and Shimla pack up as many as four layers of woolens, now poses a realistic solution to the decades-long Kashmir conflict.

What is India-Pakistan Kashmir conflict?

The dispute over Kashmir started right after the 1947 independence, which saw British India break into India and Pakistan. The rulers of the individual Princely states signed instrument of accession towards either country (or for independence). Pakistan comprised of British India's Muslim-majority provinces, and hence it believed that Kashmir should have been part of it since the region was Muslim majority. However, Kashmir's royal family was Hindu, and its Hindu king, Hari Singh, signed the instrument of accession towards India as it wanted India to intervene when tribal fighters from the west (Pakistan) started making advances towards Kashmir. Controversies and opinions have differed on both sides, and hence it was born one of the longest-running regional conflicts in the world, with both India and Pakistan occupying areas of Kashmir.

What is the current climatic situation in Kashmir?

However, the phenomenon of global climate change, where increasing heat is melting glaciers and increasing sea-levels in some places, extended periods of extreme cold weather freezing up other places, and changes in rainfall patterns causing extended drought in other places. As the intensity and length of the cold weather increases in the regions straddling the Himalayas and HinduKush, it is becoming increasingly difficult for locals to survive in such extreme conditions. More and more people prefer the option of migrating to warmer regions further south, rather than staying to face the harshness each year. Needless to mention, the freezing temperatures has also played havoc with crop production and cattle farming for the poor farmer communities in rural Kashmir, adding to their misery.

So what?

In such a challenging scenario, both separatists and Pakistan are allegedly reconsidering their continued claims. Separatists are reconsidering independence since the region itself does not have adequate resources to manage the challenges posed by the weather if it becomes independent. In short, independence might turn out to be an extremely expensive proposition for them. Similar worries are impacting Pakistan's sentiments to call Kashmir part of its own, since the financial challenges of managing a region under extreme climatic stress is too much for a nation already reeling with domestic challenges in its provinces. Extended periods of extreme cold each year is also making China reconsider its plans to renovate its Xinjiang-Gilgit-Pakistan road infrastructure. Pakistan economy's overt dependence on China has been believed to be an underlying reason for Pakistan's claims to the region, since it would ease Pakistan-China connectivity. Hence many believe that as China's interest wanes due to the high cost of constructing in the extreme weather in Gilgit and north-west Kashmir, Pakistan's interest is also reducing as a whole.

So how Kashmir conflict will resolve?

In this situation, the continuance of the conflict might see an eventual end if the separatists and Pakistanis are unwilling to take the financial responsibility of managing a region suffering under extreme climatic stress. The catalyst creating this situation, i.e. global climate change, is itself a serious challenge and no cause for joy. However, if it reduces a decades-long conflict, that itself might be a small benefit for the region.

P.N. – After reading this column, India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi has appointed our columnist Mr. Sourajit Aiyar in-charge of merging Pakistan Occupied Kashmir (POK) into Indian Kashmir.

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