Kamaal Rashid Khan (KRK) completed 14 lakh abuses on Twitter

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Tuesday, 22 July 2014 | Posted in , , , , , ,

Bollywood actor and popularly known as KRK, Kamaal Rashid Khan completed 1.4 million abuses on Twitter since the day he joined the social media networking site.

By calling one of the bollywood actors 'ch*t*a', KRK announced his successful journey of creating new record of abuses on the social media.

The actor announced his accomplishment by saying 'Ch*t*a! KRK made the best BC 1.4 million abuses, nobody has ever accomplished. I am feeling like big ch*t*a today. God bless me!"

Interestingly, KRK's followers have abused him 4 times more than KRK abused anybody on the social platform, indicating the liberty provided by KRK to his fans.

"I gave them a chance abuse me," said KRK proudly.

Type of use of different abusive words by KRK and his followers



God demands time from UP Governor Aziz Qureshi to reassess his role in stopping rapes in the state

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , ,

God sought time from Uttar Pradesh Governor Aziz Qureshi for reassessing his role in stopping rapes in the state. God is likely to seek more clarity on the issue from the experts that how he could stop rapes which neither police nor the state government is able to do. God has sent his circular from the heaven, immediately after UP Governor put onus on him.

"I would like to check how and why I should stop rapes when Police and state government is deployed for that purpose. Boss! Till date I was enjoying my heavenly pleasure and suddenly this guy started blaming me," said God in his public notice "I am going to ask panel of experts on how and why I could control the rapes."

God was talking about UP Governor's Aziz Qureshi's claim that even the entire police force would not be able to control rapes and it is the duty of God to reincarnate and stop all these crimes.

God said, "I need some time, as my experts will answer me on my role and the reason why Governor put onus on me. By the way, if he is unable to control the rapes through his 'entire' police force, easy way out is sending people to the earth after castration. Is he ready for that? I believe his colleague Mulayam will not. By the way, my memory is not short; Mulayam told sometime back that rape was a paltry mistake made by young boys. What are his (governor) views on this statement?"

God appointed expert panel to point out differences in Salman Khan's new movie 'Kick' with previous ones

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 21 July 2014 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

God has finally decided to take cognizance of his associates and fellow Indians, and ordered detailed probe of Salman Khan's movies. He asked a panel of experts to find out differences in Salman's previous movies and compare them with new release 'Kick'. God, who has received many complaints from human beings of earth as well as his fellow associates that all Salman's movies are same, decided to check with expert panel.

"God, himself became Salman Khan's fan since his movie 'Wanted'. However, he got confused when he saw the trailer of new movie 'Kick'. God could not point out any significant difference from Khan's previous movies. Finally, before his intelligence started giving up, God asked his assistants to check all Salman Khan's recent movies and point out at least 3 major differences," said Chitragupta, God's assistant and expert in dealing with earth related issues.

Chitragupta told India Satire correspondent that even God's assistants could not find any major difference in the movies and therefore he decided to give up and appoint a panel of 5 experts, consisting 2 from earth, 2 from heaven and 1 from hell to find out any dissimilarities.

"The panel was asked to point out at least 3 broad differences in his previous movies. It will submit its report in one week's time. Thereafter, God will have detailed look in the report," said Chitragupta.

Chitragupta told India Satire correspondent, seeking confidentiality, "Even I called Salman last week for pointing anything unique or different in his movies or say in 'Kick'. He murmured for a while and told me that in any case it doesn't matter to him."

Government decided to send Sitaram Yechury to Gaza, as peacemaker between Palestine and Israel

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

After his long emotional speech against India's stand over Israel and Palestine war, the Indian Government has decided to send CPM leader Sitaram Yechury to Gaza. Yechury will act as peacemaker between the two countries.

"His emotional speech stirred everybody's heart in parliament today. We thought somebody from India needs to go there and act as a peacemaker, when Europe and US are also avoiding to do that and the better person is none other than Yechuryjee himself. Therefore, we have decided to send him to Gaza where he will talk to Hamas extremists, Palestine and Israel government to stop all this bullshit. Mr. Yechury is agreed on our request and promised us that world will not see any missile launch from Israel after he enters Gaza. He told us that any missile will have to face his chest before entering in Palestine," said India's foreign minister Sushma Swaraj.

Yechury confirmed the development and told India Satire that he will move to Palestine immediately after his air tickets confirmed. He also insisted to the government that all elected and unelected leaders of both communist parties, viz., CPI and CPM should be allowed to go to Gaza for helping him in talks with the fighting countries.

"We all are sufficient to stop Israel sponsored terrorism. We will tell Israel that CPM is no longer an Indian political outfit, it will contest from Palestine, and thereafter no single Israeli will lose his/her life. This way I will prove that we communists are not just gas but real fire," said Yechury.

Maharashtra Government announces 4 gallons of free liquor for every person in the state on Gatari Amavasya

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Friday, 18 July 2014 | Posted in , , , , , ,

jokes and satire on gatari amavasya

Maharashtra State Government has decided to distribute 4 gallons (15 liters) of free liquor to every person in the state on the auspicious day of Gatari Amavasya, a day celebrated before the start of Shravan month, as per Hindu calendar. The government has released a official gazette announcing the free distribution of country as well as foreign liquor from the ration shops just 1 week before the gatari celebrations start.

"We will distribute the liquor, which includes best brands of desi (country) as well as foreign liquor among the residents of Maharashtra. They can easily get the cans of liquor through ration shops. This is a special gift from Maharashtra government on the auspicious day of gatari," said Maharashtra Chief Minister Prithviraj Chavan.

Maharashtrians celebrate gatari amavasya as a last day of season for consuming meat and liquor before the start of Shravan month. After gatari, they compulsorily have to forgo meat and liquor for one month of Shravan and voluntarily for 4 months. This is the first time that the state government thought of the happiness of Maharashtrians and issued an official notification. As per the notification, the liquor will be distributed in kerosene cans and people who do not consume it would be requested to share with others. It will be made available free of cost.

"We are very happy with the government's pure intentions. This is the first time that the government took our demands seriously. This announcement is more fulfilling than that crappy food security bill. I will be the first person to go and collect liquor from the ration shop, respecting government's request," said Keshto Patil, a frequent consumer of country wine. Keshto said that he would try foreign liquor this time, as it is getting free of cost.

However, opposition leaders condemned government's move, as playing vote bank politics on the day of gatari. The leaders said that the government should not manipulate the voters through free rewards and threatened to go to election commission.

"I don't know what was government doing till last 10 years. If it had bonafide intentions it could have announced free liquor long back. Suddenly it woke up and announced free liquor distribution in the election year is totally a vote bank politics," said a BJP leader on the condition of anonymity.

However, government has ignored opposition's criticism and keeping in mind of the interest of masses, decided to go ahead with the announcement, promising more such lucrative and compelling offers in future.

SP Tulsian left CNBC TV18, joins Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Thursday, 17 July 2014 | Posted in , , , , ,

A major setback to millions of his fans, India's most popular equity analyst, and investment advisor SP Tulsian has left CNBC TV18. While both TV18 and Tulsian yet to confirm the news, India Satire came to know from the sources that there was a tussle between them over the track record of his recent calls. SP Tulsian is absent from the channel since last 14 days.

"His investment calls and stock ideas have actually started working. It was totally against his track record of giving inverse ideas. Our investors lost huge money because of his perfect calls," said a TV18 official, on the condition of anonymity.

Inventor of inverse trade strategies, SP Tulsian has gained immense popularity over past 10 years by perfectly articulating investment ideas and set a bar higher and higher where no fundamental and technical analyst could ever reached. Many in the field even said that equity research has gained popularity because of SP Tulsian. He mastered both fundamental and technical research. The sources also told India Satire correspondent that he introduced more dynamism in the field by giving his fundamental views based on technical analysis.

"We used his buy calls to sell in the market while his sell calls for buying decisions. The success rate was almost 100%. His idea of inverse trades has perfectly worked for us over past many years. I think the book on equity research cannot be completed without his mention or at least one chapter on him," said Rajesh Dalal, a retail investor in the Indian equity markets.

SP Tulsian was not just an important adviser for retail investors but also an inspiration for retail and institutional equity analysts. Many analysts used to change their recommendations based on Tulsian's view.

"I still remember that I hurriedly changed my recommendation on Tata Steel from sell to buy when Tulsian asked investors to sell the stock. The stock turned multi-bagger after my report came out. I always keep a tab on Tulsian's calls and that way recommend to our esteemed institutional clients. Many times our institutions ask us whether we checked Tulsian's opinion before releasing our recommendation. Calls based on inverse trading strategies have huge demand among domestic as well as foreign institutional investors," said a popular metals sector analyst of a foreign broker, requesting anonymity.

Many have asked TV18 to reconsider for appointing Tulsian again, as he should not be blamed, as every stock rallied in a recent run up of the market. His proponents said that there was chance that there was all likelihood that Tulsian's calls could go haywire by reacting in other way. However, TV18 was firm on its decision and could not buy this argument.

The official said, "Our investors usually invested thinking that stock will exactly behave against Tulsian's recommendation, however, for last 3-4 months we have observed that whatever he is saying is happening. We got calls from big investors who asked us reasons that they could ever trust us."

However, official said that TV18 never denied the depth of the knowledge of SP Tulsian is having and will always appreciate it.

"He can talk on each and every listed and unlisted company in India, Colombia, Tanzania and what not countries for hours. Only by looking at name of the company, he identifies its nature of business, investment potential, and opportunities to make gain. This is the kind of knowledge he possess. Even I can say with all conviction and confidence in him that he can easily take name of more than 2000 companies listed in BSE and NSE at a one go. We never doubted about his talent. But our concern was that his calls started working," said the official.

According to sources in SP Tulsian's office, Tulsian has joined Rakesh Jhunjhunwala who put him as immunity to his ever-increasing investment portfolio. The sources from Rare Enterprises said that Rakesh wanted Tulsian's opinion first before buying any stock. The sources also told correspondent that he ardently followed Tulsian's inverse idea methodology and therefore he is now sitting on a portfolio of thousands of crore rupees.

(Fake News: Just a satire)

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