Why were Village Rats, Cats and Bats Dancing?

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 29 August 2016 | Posted in , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Now days, every day in between free time from sponsored or paid news, TV news channel talk about foreign investment in retail. Since, I read in childhood that India lives in villages; I went my village for knowing the impact of FDI in retail in India.

I asked Ghungra Kaki," Aunt!  Will our villages get benefits from FDI in retail?"

"Is FDI in retail is like coal mines allocations?" instead of reply she threw question.

I went further and asked Gucchi Tai (Bodi)," Bodi! Will our villages get benefits from FDI in retail?"

She asked," Is this FDI will be for villages or for cities?"

"Only for cities." I answered.

Instead of answering my question, she started running fast towards her cattle shed. I asked for her sudden running.

"Whenever there were new investments in cities; my children, nephews and neighbors ran away from village for cities for never returning to the village.  I am afraid my cattle don't run towards cities for packed fodders, branded fodders and air conditioned cattle shed. I will fasten my cattle inside the shed." Running, she replied.

Frustrated, I asked retired teacher Kalika Master, "Master Ji! What about FDI in retail?"

"Where will these events take place? Kalika Master threw question.

"Due to FDI in retail, new malls, departmental stores and hyper shopping complexes will emerge in cities as Dehradun." I explained the concept of FDI in retail.

Ignoring me, Kalika Master called his Sadu Bhai in Dehradun, "Listen! Karamchand! There will be faster development in all cities after FDI in retail. There will be huge demand for land in cities as Dehradun. Yesterday, I told you for not buying that   barren land in Dehradun. Now you pay advance immediately on my behalf for that land and do deal for other nearby lands too. Just now, I am starting for Dehradun and will start real estate business there."

I explained retired Havaldar Kantha Singh about FDI in retail and asked his views. Instead of answering me he called his relative in Saharanpur, "Listen! Komal! Very soon, there will be malls, super markets or shopping complexes in cities as in Saharanpur. There will be heavy demand for security men there. I am coming to Saharanpur and we will start security business in cities."

Annoyingly, I went for seeing Bhana Bada the blacksmith, explained him FDI and asked "What will be the impact of FDI in villages?"

"Oh! My God!  By fast urban development, all villagers will migrate for cities. I will have to close my 'Ansal' (blacksmith small unit) here. Tomorrow, I will sell my properties here and will open an 'Ansal' (small factory) and will produce rat cages there in Dehradun.  There will be heavy demand for rat cages in crowded cities" Blacksmith replied

While coming back from Bhana Bada's 'Ansal', I saw ruined houses of villagers those migrated to cities long back.

I saw rats, cats and bats were dancing, hopping and loudly singing on the house ruins.

FDI in Retails, FDI in Retails, more and more new houses in the cities 

Empty villages, empty villages, more and more wracked houses in villages 

Ruined villages, ruined villages, houses for   rats, cats and bats,

 FDI in Retails, FDI in Retails, converting villages into jungles 

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

I liked General History, War History but hated Dates

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

I was brilliant students of History in primary school, middle standard school and even in marketing. Still I am brilliant Historian in my Garhwali society. The reason is simple that I liked wars, history and other accounts. You ask me any question about characteristics of any era I shall answer to your satisfaction. However, I hated specific historical dates.

I liked three chapters of history in the exams for getting distinction. First, the reasons for a king winning the war, a warrior winning a specific battle or Janta Dal party winning the 1977general election. My second favorite chapter for History exams was a King, warrior or political party losing the battle or war. My third favorite chapter in History exams was characteristics of a King rule, Dynasty Rule (Era) or Nehru –Gandhi dynasty rule in democratic India. I hated specific historical dates.

It is not that I liked history the most. It is not that History reading is my hobby. I like the most humor and satire. I am talking about getting distinction in the exams. If there were questions for the reasons for a king winning the war? There are main five reasons for winning every war, battle or election. The winner won the war because there was strong leadership having winnable strategy, there were new weapons, there were resources available for the soldiers, and there was unity among soldiers. Whether Alexander defeated Porus, British defeated Nepalese in Uttarakhand or BJP defeated Congress and other parties in 2014 general election, the above five reasons fit in all wars or battles. At least two questions were always in all history exam papers as, "Explain the reasons for -Asoka winning Kalinga, Babar winning Rana Sanga or Indira Gandhi winning 1979 election". I was expert in elaborating the above five reasons I used to get 99 % marks in those questions.

There were at least two questions in all the history exam papers as, "Explain the reasons -for Porus losing battle, Indian kings loosing war against British in 1857 or BSP loosing 2012 Uttar Pradesh assembly election". My answers for all the battle defeats would be - Weak leadership or wrong strategy, lesser resources, Bhitarghat or traitors inside the camp, no unity, and stampedes among horses / elephants, soldiers or party workers. By fitting and elaborating the above points in any defeat, I used to get 98 % marks for questions for defeat reasons.

My another favorable questions of exam papers was 'Explain Characteristics of such and such dynasty rule" If dynasty rule is perceived good I would provide five characteristics " Kings being subject oriented, Kings used to visit in night for knowing pain of subject, good administration, worked for social benefits and strong spy system" and opposite characteristics for terrible King.           The above points fit to Pandava verses Kaurvas, Mughal verses past Indian Kings and Nehru-Gandhi dynasty verses Badal or everywhere in the world history. I was able to get distinction for the questions about characteristics of a king, dynasty or chief minister.

Surprisingly, marketing history is also same as general History because marketing is nothing but war. My colleagues call me Marketing Guru because I easily can explain reasons for a brand wining and other brand loosing marketing battle.

The biggest problem was that from my childhood, I was weak in remembering dates. I always forgot  my head master's birth date for offering gifts , my class teacher's birth date for offering gifts, and  historical dates for getting passing marks.

If I would have remembered history dates I would not be science post graduate but Doctorate in History and I would be painful competitors for Romila Thapar, Irfan Habib and Arun Shorie. Historical dates stopped me becoming Communist, Nehruvadi or Saffron Historian.

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Political Parties select Toxic Spokespersons

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Friday, 26 August 2016 | Posted in , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

I know, Indians know and now, Pakistanis know too that political parties select toxic persons for spokesperson job.  However, very few people know the characteristics of noxious persons and their notorious uses as political spokespersons.

The exotic person invades the privacy and other's space. Through toxic spokespersons, political parties invade the opposition's private affairs and snatch space from other parties. All spokespersons want others should not lock their desks but they lock their own desks even going for washroom.  

Toxic man has secrets for protection. Were Kapil Sibbal, Anand Sharma and Mir not protecting the UPA's corruptions all the time in past?

Toxic person makes other's life miserable and you all watch TV debate where every political spokesperson makes the life of opposition spokesperson, TV anchors and audience miserable.

The toxic person is always a Trappist. Tell me which politician are not Trappist, Trapper and Hunter in this earth? Every politician is Trappist and so are spokespersons including Pakistani spokespersons debating on Indian TV shows.

Toxic one has bad manners. Don't we experience daily the worst mannered political spokespersons in each TV debate?  Yes we feel irritation by watching bad mannered political spokespersons.

Toxic person is Control Freak and don't you know many such politicians and spokespersons?

Toxic person is always covering up artist. Do I require naming the politicians covering up their open blunders? I know that you know that I know that you know them.

Toxic person always abuse people, things and the best concept. Indians are fed up with those spokespersons abusing people, things and Yoga.

Toxic person hates other ideas. TV debates, political press conferences and parliaments are witness for vouching that politicians and spokespersons hate other ideas.

Toxic person are credit snatchers. Every politician is credit snatcher. Every spokesperson is bound to be a great credit snatcher.

Blame game is the great characteristic of toxic person. Politics is nothing but the play ground for blame game. Political spokesperson should be born with blame game playing character. 

Toxic person have the habit of continuously fault findings. Most of Indians don't watch Loksabha and Rajyasabha proceedings on TV because barring fault findings; nothing concrete is happening in both the houses. You, your friends and my mother in law don't like visiting parliaments because you, your friends and my mother in law don't like continuous fault findings games.

Toxic man has secret agendas. Every spokesperson, politicians and political party has secret agendas. Nothing is new in my statement. All Indian mothers in laws, Indian sister in laws and Pakistani brother in laws know the above fact.

Expert Stanley Reed says that toxic person have terrible problem with the truth. Toxic person prefers for telling lie. What do all political spokespersons speak on TV show?  Lie! Lie and No Truth!  

Toxic person protects zealously power positions. All Indian mothers in laws, Indian daughter in laws and Pakistani brother in laws accept that spokespersons zealously protect power positions.

Experts say that Toxic person make simple thing complex. Now, we can't blame only to spokespersons, politicians for worst execution system for India planning but we should watch the toxic bureaucrats too.

Speaking 'I', 'I' and 'I' is the habit of toxic person. Which politician, spokesperson and businessman as Vijay Mallya don't speak 'I' in every sentence?

Toxic person has little or no sense of future. It is not wrong characteristic as the political spokesperson has to work for getting elected for Rajya Sabha or Vidhan Parishad, work for present boss and totally forgetting the future.

Toxic person is highly competitive, does not like failure and works hard for being on the top.  Indians should be happier that though, Indian political spokespersons are toxic but at the same time, are highly competitive.

Have you got some of above characters for becoming political spokesperson?  


Copyright@: Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai 2016

Who have Stolen our 12 Shauchalaya?

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Tuesday, 23 August 2016 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Most of the Indians know that Swachh Bharat Abhiyan is revolutionary movement after Indian freedom movement. Due to busy schedules of Sachin Tendulkar, Salman Khan and Tarak Mehta ka Ulta Chasma team, the movement could not move beyond posters, TV photo up and front gate of the above celebrities. Therefore, nobody is interested in auditing Swachh Bharat Abhiyan in urban areas as the result is predictable.

My editor asked me for visiting my village in Garhwal hills for finding out Swachh Bharat Abhiyan outcome.   I was not ready for visiting my village. Since, my village is on the height of 3500 Feet and one side surrounded by a Bhel (steep valley), the villagers used to throw all dirt and children toilets into Bhel, elders go to rivulets for toileting so our village was always clean. However, editor asked me for visiting my village for the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan audit.

As soon as I entered the village I thought that I am in a wrong village. My village has been transformed to dumping ground since last I visited five years back. There were dirt piles on the both sides of village roads, on back of houses and in front of each house including my house courtyard.  Dirt everywhere was a shock for my life.

I checked with my far cousin for so much dirt in the village. The cousin explained in details. The villagers saw Sachin Tendulkar, Salman Khan and Narendra Modi cleaning roads with brooms (not taken from AAP party) on TV. Now, every villager is wishing that since the Abhiyan is sponsored by Modi therefore, one of celebrities would come to our village and would inaugurate the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan. Everybody is waiting for a celebrity for visiting the village. The villagers wrote to celebrities for inaugurating the Abhiyan. Every Celebrity responded in positive and assured that he/she would visit village as soon as she/he gets time. Our villagers are honest in believing on celebrities words. Till then, nobody is interested in cleaning.

In a local paper from Garhwal , I read that every house has a separate toilet (Shauchalaya) in our village and our village chief got Chief Minister Award for 'Har Ghar me Shauchalaya'. However, I found that four five toilets are there. I checked with Gram Pradhan (village chief) about Shauchalaya. Gram Pradhan reluctantly informed me that since it is government scheme he can't inform the details to Aira-Gaira (outsider).

My editor asked me especially for finding out 'Shauchalaya' conditions. Gram Pradhan was not ready for showing data.  I went for meeting Block officer at Block office twenty kilometers from my village.

The Block Officers showed me the 'Shauchalaya register' for my village and I was unconscious for half an hour.

My father had two other brothers. All three brothers migrated to cities long back. Totally we are twelve cousins. We have six intact houses but nobody lives there for decades.

Block Officer showed me the register that we all cousins built twelve toilets in front of our village houses. Government paid us Rs.twelve thousand per toilet and Rs. ten thousand per water tank for each toilet as per 'Devalaya se Pahle Shauchalaya Scheme'.

Now, I am not interested in audit for Swachh Bharat Abhiyan but am interested for finding who built twelve 'Shauchalaya' and twelve water tank on our behalf. If we built 'Shauchalaya', where are those 'Shauchalaya?' If 'Shauchalaya' are there in front of our houses why  can't I see by my eyes? Are our government aided 12 toilets stolen?

As soon as I find I shall report you all.

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai 2016

Sleepless Nights for Gwer (Shepherds) after Modi’s Announcement

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , ,

​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Indians take Prime Minister Modi seriously. Nobody can guarantee for BJP, Akali Dal and Shiv Sena taking Modi seriously but Nitish, Akhilesh and Asaduddin Owaisi take Modi too seriously.

A few days back, Modi announced that many false Gorakshak are criminals of night. Now, there are sleepless nights for Gwer (Charvaha, Shepherd).

The Kashmir youth, militants in Kashmir don't take Modi seriously but Indian police take Modi seriously.

The day before, a police van was moving from capital to a town for a minister rally Bandobast.  Below the road, the police head from the van saw a person was blowing flute and was looking after grazing cattle. Police force got down and called the Gwer.

Constable asked, "O Gorakshak! What criminal job do you do in night?"

Shyly, Gwer said," Dhatt! I will never tell my night story."

Another cop shouted, "See! See his face is red by knowing that we know his criminal secrete. Your grandfather will tell us your criminal activities in night."

"Wife …" Gwer answered.

"O My God! You take other's wives to cities and …?" Senior cop screamed.

Gwer said, "I and my wife share our experiences of the day. She works for Vidhayak Ji's farms."

"Are you Gorakshak?" the cop asked

"No. I am Gwer and my job is for taking cattle to forest for grazing and take back them to village by evening. All these cattle belonged to different farmers. They might be Gorakshak." Gwer answered.

Cop showed apprehension, "The Prime Minister Modi told Gorakshak are criminals. You must be criminal because you are grazing cattle."

Gwer asked, "Is Indira Gandhi on leave? So Modi is on her place ..?"

Cops understood that though, the man is definitely a Gorakshak but definitely he can't be criminal of night. Police knows that criminals are more knowledgeable than Subramanian Swamy.

In other village, villagers started vigilance on their Gwer in night. Villagers take Modi very seriously. Now, Gwer and their families sleep soundly and villagers can't sleep whole night for watching criminal activities of their Gwer. Villagers decided for having a detective agency for watching their Gwer not indulging criminal activities in night. They have to depend on their Gwer. They can't get new Gwer as even Gwer Caste leaving their family Gwer job (shepherd job).

 In many villages, Gwer ran away from villages. They are right. Whenever, a leader announced that the government is serious for stopping crime and will take stern action against criminals. The rural police catch Gwer and other such types of poor people for showing that the government is awaken for stopping crimes. All Gwer are afraid that after Modi's announcement, the rural police will take Gwer into custody for show off.

 In many cases, the farmer's children do the job of Gwer. Many farmers are afraid that their children have become criminals.

"Modi can't tell a lie" the villagers tell to each other.

Yesterday, a bus was taking city children to rural PWD rest house for picnic. Above the road, children saw shepherd grazing the cattle. Children started shouting, "See the Gorakshak! See the Gorakshak! Criminals of night! Rat ke Apradhi! "

 Modi's statements did not stop Vishwa Hindu Parishad or city Gorakshak for heading Goraksha movement but Modi's announcement is making negative waves in rural India.

Modi has to announce that rural Gwer or shepherds are not criminals of night. However, Modi will notice about people voices only when Arnab Goswami of Times Now shouts in prime time that that Gwer, Charvaha or shepherds are not criminals of night. The real problem is who shall take rural voices to Arnab Goswami.


Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Media finally found Urjit Patel's doodhwala

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 22 August 2016 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

​ET Now's exclusive interview of Ramkisen Yadav, milk man of Urjit Patel

Mainstream media finally could locate milk man (doodhwala) of newly appointed chief of Reserve Bank of India, Mr. Urjit Patel. After a lot of struggle, ET Now reporter finally took an exclusive interview of Ramkisen Yadav, Urjit Patel's doodhwala at his dairy in Andheri, Mumbai.

"With us today is Ramkisen Yadav who everyday supplies 2 liters of milk to Mr. Patel at his home. ET Now is first to interview Mr. Patel's doodhwala at his dairy," said ET Now reporter "So Ramkisenji how do you feel after the government surprisingly appointed Urjit Patel as Raghuram Rajan's successor."

"Hum kaa bole ee sabai ke baare me. Haa humkaa ee pataa tha ki Urjitwa will become the Governor of RBI. Urjitwa used to jump 3-4 times the time when I fill up his vessel with milk. Uu kitni baar bungee jumping karat rahe. Earlier I was unable to understand why he was jumping so much but later I concluded that he was in a profession to keep interest rates up and down. He is a born jumping jack aka RBI Governor," Ramkisen Yadav told ET Now's reporter.

"Oh! What is your assessment about Mr. Patel, is he hawkish or dovish?" reporter asked Ramkisen's view on Urjit Patel's thought process on policy decision.

"Hum to eee baatan se sure hai ki Urjitwa pura ka pura hawkishwa hai. Hum aapko eek examplewa det hai. Jabai hum uu ka ghar jaat rahe, Urjitwa always asked me how Champa is doing. Did she have good sleep? Did she eat her food properly? How's her son Dara and daughter Chameli? Many times Urjitwa threatened me that he will stop buying milk from me if Champa isn't taken care properly. He is very hawkish about Champa and I think he will remain hawkish for markets," Ramkisen confirmed his opinion on Urjit Patel's thought process.

ET Now Reporter asked him "Who is Champa?"

"Hamaar bhains," confirmed Ramkisen.

Most Popular Recently

Search This Blog



Join us on Google +

Follow Us On Facebook

Relatively older