Secular media found searching for justification of terror attack in UK

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Wednesday, 22 March 2017 | Posted in , , , , , , , , , ,

A fatal terror attack in London, United Kingdom that killed 5 and injured 40 kept secular media journalists/anchors and intellectual analysts world over including India busy searching new and unique justifications to the right side people. 

"It was difficult night, I couldn't sleep and entire night I searched Google to find out some new reasons and arguments to counter Modi's bhaktas," replied NDTV anchor Ravish Kumar in a telephonic conversation with the India Satire correspondent "I called Barkha for her view late at night who was herself busy searching her reasons. After a big search I got the answer that no terror attack in the world could match 2002 riots when Modi was CM of Gujarat."

According to another anchor, Rajdeep Sardesai who is also vocal against people against terrorism told the correspondent that he would bring both the parties to settle down the issue.

"It isn't that difficult to bring ISIS on the table. I believe terror attack in the UK can't justify attack of Modi's bhaktas on me at Madison square," Rajdeep Sardesai told India Satire correspondent "That attack was a big harm compared to any terror attack."

Another secular media journalist, Barkha Dutt said it was her duty to bring the other side of the terror attack. "I am sure the so called terrorist is the son of some small trader or teacher and needed opportunity than knives in his hands, is UK government listening," Barkha Dutt asked UK government without any fear.

Sagarika Ghose who also exposed other side of India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi quite often have a shocking revelation, she said "ISIS terrorists inspired by RSS ideology. RSS please stop your insane teaching to world's most peaceful so called terror organisation."

Breaking News: Yogi Adityanath clears his throat twice

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 20 March 2017 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

In a major event since morning, Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath cleared his throat twice, as told by a source close to him exclusively to the India Satire. "He cleared his throat at 11.57 am and 12.01 pm, pushing his throat cough downward to intestines," claimed the source whom the India Satire correspondent pays for every minute update of Yogi Adityanath.

Yogi Adityanath has done nothing to improve conditions of Uttar Pradesh in last two days since the time he has taken the oath - Survey

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , ,

Despite completion of 2 days in the office after the oath, Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath's government has not done anything additional for the development of the state yesterday compared to the day before yesterday, according to a survey conducted by NDTV. 

Presenting the two day report card of newly elected BJP government, to NDTV reported "Yogi Adityanath became Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister with a dream to develop UP with better infrastructure, 24 hour electricity, water and great law and order situation with huge employment opportunities. However, performance of the government in first two days looks dismal and the state isn't developed yet. Shockingly, the state looks in similar conditions what it was two days back."

The world's best media channel confirmed that it doesn't believe the condition will improve drastically tomorrow morning or may be day after tomorrow.

"We are constantly watching the conditions of UP and will report the situation on daily basis. We will come with 3 day report card of Yogi Adityanath tomorrow morning," NDTV journalist reported.

Colgate launches toothpaste with baingan and tamaatar

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , ,

After huge success of toothpaste with nimbu and namak, India's largest toothpaste manufacturer Colgate-Palmolive (India) Ltd announced toothpaste with baingan and tamaatar. The company is confident that people will welcome its baingan and tamaatar venture as they did for nimbu and namak venture.

"People know baingan and tamaatar are best for tooth and were used in India by monkeys some 3 million years ago. We are bringing the same combination to our customer which is moving to unhealthy Patanjali brand of herbal toothpaste. We mixed 0.5% extracts of baingan and 0.2% extracts of tamaatar with added natural colours and huge sorbitol," the spokesperson of Colgate told India Satire correspondent at the launch of the toothpaste.

Indicating a value addition to current product line of nimbu and namak variant, the spokesperson told correspondent that the company is researching two new toothpaste extensions with sprinkles of chaat masala and/or jaljeera. Apart from extensions of nimbu namak toothpaste, the company is planning for paneer toothpaste for more protein to the tooth.

"We are also running an awareness campaign that people can replace their requirements of nimbu and namak in their daily food with our nimbu and namak toothpaste which is a healthier option," the spokesperson confirmed.

Opposition finds plan for 2019 elections in PM Narendra Modi's sneeze; appoints Gartner to decode it

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Tuesday, 14 March 2017 | Posted in , , , , , , , ,

Opposition party leaders called an emergency meeting after India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi sneezed twice yesterday in the public. Smelling PM's huge plan of winning 2019 General elections, all opposition party leaders decided to work on a counter plan.

"First time since I met him, I saw PM sneezing in the public. This must not be without reason," Congress Party strategist Prashant Kishore told the audience in the secret conference of opposition "No one knows what grows inside his mind and vigilant watch will only help us thwarting Modi's plans at its root. My management degree guides me to take help of independent consultant in decoding his mind and the plan."

Prashant Kishore told the packed audience of opposition leaders that it was Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi's watchful eyes which immediately grabbed Prime Minister sneezing in the public for twice. Pseudo opposition leaders like Barkha Dutt and Rajdeep Sardesai confirmed Prashant Kishore's guess.

"We are tracking Modi for past 20 years since the time he baths till he sleeps and what he watches in his dream. But never we saw him sneezing in the public," Barkha told in the conference which Rajdeep also nodded "There must be something in his mind either against Pakistan or JNU or against opposition parties. However, the time since Rahul Baba told us it may be his plan for 2019 elections, our minds started running on the right track."

With support of 100% votes in favour of Prashant Kishore's proposal to appoint Gartner, the research agency will start working on decoding the PM's sneeze in week's time.

BJP applies mix of blue, green and orange colours on opposition parties

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Sunday, 12 March 2017 | Posted in , , , , , , , , ,

On the auspicious day of Holi, NDA leaders applied the mix of blue, green and orange colours on the faces of leaders of all opposition parties. The idea to put mix of colours was to symbolically celebrate its big win in the Uttar Pradesh Assembly Elections 2017.

"It is first time in the history of Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) and National Democratic Alliance (NDA) that all the people of the state representing different colours have voted us. It is also representing the death of pseudo secularism which born with our momentun of pseudo communalism. Today, when we moved out of the pseudo communalism partially, it took Uttar Pradesh elections debacle for opposition parties to move out of pseudo secularism," BJP President Amit Shah confirmed.

The India Satire observed mix reactions from opposition parties while few leaders said they have allowed NDA to apply mix of colours and it wouldn't take much time for the opposition to back to different colours others said that pichkaris wear tampered.

"These pichkaris were so tampered that even if the leaders of parties pressed button of one colour, the mix colour sprayed," BSP Supremo Mayawati told India Satire correspondent.

Ex Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, Akhilesh Yadav told correspondent that people liked mix colours than green colour with hand. He would see what time people would continue to like single mix colour. On the other hand, Congress Party Vice President Rahul Gandhi blamed alliance for not using chocolatey colour or Bournvita instead of green colour with panja.

While mix colours kept everybody on their toes, red colour which was restricted to West Bengal, Kerala, and JNU has lost relevance.

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