Health Tips for Prisoners for Hospitalization

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 26 September 2016 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Yesterday, I watched a TV channel broadcasting Jungle News and the anchor was shouting, "Now! We shall show you how a lion does crime against deer!"  The bottom screen was showing 'Coming up… crime among fish world…crime among insect world …jungle crimes in Mahabharata  ...

Indians can't imagine that there might be crimeless news and views. From the time the UPA 2 scam era started, health guide magazines started publishing special column as 'Health Guide for Prisoners' or 'Suggestions for being healthy in prisons' or 'Subrata Roy on Health for Prisoners'.

A couple of month back, a health guide brought a special issue 'Twenty practical tips for escaping from Jail to Hospitals'. There were advices from twenty world top doctors in the special issue. Each doctor advised a special technique for felling ill in the jail that jail officials have no option but to shift the prisoner to hospital. In their articles, doctors offered the case studies of ex UP Minister Amar Mani Tripathi, SP general secretary Amar Singh, music industry king  Bhushan Kumar etc felling ill in jails and holidaying in hospitals.

The said magazine was hit not only in India, Pakistan but in African countries too. In India, all politicians, political workers and business men bought the magazine.  Magazine owner is now, planning for buying a couple of leading national newspapers.

Watching the success story of above health magazines, other health magazines brought special issues as 'Yogic way of felling ill for escaping jail for hospitalization', '100% tested Homeopathy methods for felling ill in jail! and 'jel men beemar padne ke  Dai-Nani ke nuske'.

Health guide industry inspired children literature industry too. Now, you will get books on footpath as 'Jel me Beerbal ke beemar pada ke chutkale ', Tenaliram kaise jel me beemar pade', Mulla Nasurudin Shah ke jel se Aspatal jane ke kisse' etc. A competitor of Chandamama a children magazine brought three special issues pertaining folk stories of prisoners felling ill for shifting to hospital.             

An Over The Counter (OTC) drug company has already planned for manufacturing tablets only for political prisoners. The market news is that within an hour after taking the tablet the consumer will fell ill without side effects. It is heard that there is competition among firms of Kapil Sibbal, Manu Sanghvi and Ravi Shankar Prasad for becoming legal adviser of the above OTC Company.

Now, there are books on Tantra and Mantra teaching to criminals for felling ill and getting shifted to ICU from jail.

Industry experts state that 'Health Tips for Prisoners for Hospitalization' industry has bright future.

(Gist from Fake Health Journal)

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Should India attack on Pakistan immediately?

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Thursday, 22 September 2016 | Posted in , , , , , , ,


​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

The wife said, "Has Arnab Goswami called you?"

I answered, "What for Arnab should call me?"

"For asking you for condemning Pakistan PM Sharif's speech in UNA."

"I am not so famous that Arnab Goswami calls me for knowing my views on Pakistan PM Sharif's speech in UNA"

"Has Barkha Datt called you?"

"What for?"

"For asking you for condemning Uri terrorist attack"

"I am not expert on Kashmir, Baluchistan or terrorism that Barkha calls me "

"Sorry! I forgot that you are a Garhwali literature writer."

"I am happy as a big fish in a small pond."

"Yes! Mr. Big Fish in a Small Pond! Now, tell me should India attack on Pakistan immediately or not? "

"What? Are you serious in asking my opinion for immediate attack on Pakistan?

"Yes. Neighbors have already made opinion, my all friends made opinion and journalists are also spelling their opinions that India should attack on Pakistan immediately."

"What is this nonsense?"

"What is there nonsense for attacking Pakistan immediately? We should apply tit for tat."

"Attacking on Pakistan is not Kejriwal ordering for immediate fogging Delhi for killing mosquitoes, Attacking on Pakistan is not Akhilesh sacking his uncle Shivpal as a minister and then stalling again him as UP minister as per his whims. Attacking on Pakistan is not you asking me for visiting vegetable market and buying eggs"

"Every Indian wants India should retaliate immediately."

"Attacking on Pakistan is not children playing with toys"

"India is big country. India has more armed force, ammunition and population. India can win over Pakistan any time"

"Yes! India can win war over Pakistan but…"

"What but? Why but? Why not attack now?"

"Any military attack requires not only deployment of forces and ammunition, requires favor from all allies and neighboring countries but also suitable time."

"This is the suitable most time for teaching Pakistan a lesion."

"If attack is done as per anticipation of the enemy it is not called attack but a suicide."

"Is it?"

"Yes! Military attack required so many preparations in Alexander time and in British time and requires thousand of preparations today too. Without preparation, attacking enemy means losing the war. War is not conducted as per the people whims and emotions but with a scientific method where time, place and strengths are judged first."

"Oh My God! We Indians are unnecessarily making pressure on Mr. Modi for losing the war by immediate attack on Pakistan."

"Yes. Let the government takes its own time as Indira Gandhi took time at the time of Bangladesh war. "

"Is attack necessary?"

"No not at all in this era. You may replay by other means too."

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Political Padyatra

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Wednesday, 21 September 2016 | Posted in , , , , , , ,

South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

Winter and spring but not hot summer are the seasons for 'Padyatra' for all

When the election is near, the political 'Padyatra' and political maneuvering for fund collection   increase but religious 'Padyatra' decrease.

My rich friend Sohan Bahuguna from Mumbai is aspiring for fighting election in Uttarakhand from Shrinagar constituency. Everybody in social media is sure that Sohan Bahuguna will get ticket from national political party for Shrinagar legislative constituency.

When an aspirant is sure for ticket he/she has to go for 'Padyatra'. My friend Bahuguna made plan for Padyatra in Shrinagar constituency.

After Shradh, his padyatra in Garhwal hills will start form Mumbai by air travel. A mob of twenty thirty Garhwalis will come to air port for wishing him all the best on their own cars with their own expenses and fifty will come by cab paid by Sohan Kala. There will be a photo session and will be broadcasted in social media that thousand of migrated Paharis of Mumbai came to see off Sohan Kala. A representative will see that the news is posted in every Facebook group, Whatsapp groups and journalists of Dehradun and not of Garhwal hills.

Paid, sponsored or normal news would be there in a few newspapers of Dehradun city that Sohan Bahuguna visiting Dehradun for Padyatra in Garhwal Hills. At 11.30 AM, Sohan Bahuguna will come out of Jolly Grant Air Port and fifty supporters (all paid and trained) will greet him by garlands and slogan 'Sohan Kala!  Tum age badho ham tumhare Sath hain'. The photos of overwhelming welcome for Sohan Bahuguna in Air Port will be flashed in all social media.

From At 12 to 1 PM, Sohan Bahuguna will meet journalists separately and would request for support and the amount for support would be fixed for minimizing the future dispute. Kala's representative will offer a costly Indian whisky bottle to each journalist.

Now, Bahuguna and his ten cars with fifty paid supporters will start journey from Dehradun around 2 PM for Shrinagar.

At 2 PM, the convey will reach to Rishikesh and whisky bottles will be gifted to local journalists for heavy publicity that Bahuguna gets ticket from a national party. News will be flashed in social media that Bahuguna got unbelievable support from Rishikesh. Though, Rishikesh will not be his election constituency but Rishikesh is important for publicity purpose.

The convoy will proceed from Rishikesh towards Shrinagar. In between Sohan Bahuguna will stop at Vaishishth cave for getting blessing and his workers (paid) will go ahead to Vyasi for 'Mucchi surva and Murga Surva'  lunch and few for drink. By the time Bahuguna reaches to Vyasi, workers would have taken lunch and drink.

By 5 Pm, Bahuguna and party will reach to Shrinagar.  He will get another overwhelming welcome by paid workers in Shrinagar.  Bahuguna will go to three temples there first, then will start a quarter kilometer Padyatra. Bahuguna will speak that he has come for Uttarakhand development. He will also visit a scheduled caste house and will eat Fanu -Badi there. This will be big news that an upper cast Brahmin took lunch in a Dalit house.

In night, he will meet intellectuals and elites first. Then he will meet political worker contractors and will fix the cost. Then he will meet alcohol suppliers and will negotiate with them for alcohol supply for his election campaign. Then he will meet Goat and chicken suppliers for supplying live stock to each village before one day of election. 

Next morning, people of Shrinagar would know by newspaper that heavy crown greeted Sohan Kala. 

Now, Sohan Bahuguna will return to Dehradun and will stay there till he gets assurance for election ticket from a national party.     

Copyright Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Red Ideology: Then, Now and Tomorrow

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 19 September 2016 | Posted in , , , , ,


​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

I was unaware about Communism in a Garhwal village. Economically in rural Uttarakhand, there was no vast gap between a poor landless scheduled cast and Jamindar (Padhan), even P.C. Joshi being first General Secretary of Communist party of India, communism never spread in Uttarakhand. There was a red patch in Tehri Garhwal from where comrade Vidya Sagar Nautiyal used to win UP legislative election. However, he was proud that he was winning due to red ideology but in reality he was winning due to people past rage against ex Tehri Riyasat King.

When I came for high schooling to Dehradun, I heard much about communism.  DAV College was the central place in Dehradun for discussing communism. There were many Red Comrades those used to talk 'Sarvhara Kranti' in Dehradun. On that time, there were three political ideologies in Dehradun among students, Indira Congress, Communism and Janasangh.   Garhwal including Dehradun had 90 percent Hindu population, Garhwalis left speaking own Garhwali mother tongue for benefits from Hindi, English and India; Hindi. Hindu, Hindustan of Janasangh could not attract Garhwalis barring migrated Punjabis and local Baniyas.

All three political ideologies had exclusive dreams for people to dream. We used to see all three dreams. When we thought about Congress ideology, we used to dream there would be only Indira Gandhi ruling India and there would be lakhs of Tata, Birla, and Gujarmal Modi but won't be Garibi (poverty) in India. When we thought about Janasangh, we dreamt that there would be Hindi, Hindu in Hindustan. However, HHH dream was fearful even for Brahmins. There were four tier classes of Brahmins and Rajput. HHH means same caste equation. Therefore, HHH could not attract Garhwalis on that time. Most of Garhwalis or non Garhwalis were poor and Communism or Lal Salam attracted   at least for discussion. It was fashion among students for discussing communism and working for winning Congress candidate in election. Students influenced by Communism used to greet every one by 'Lal Salam' but not to parents or relatives. There were many learned comrade students those used to tell us about labor ruling India in future and rich working as labor. Communist students never talked about prosperity but only economic equality among people. Really, it was nice dream for dreaming for economic equality. However, Brahmin and Rajput Garhwalis never liked cast equality of communism. Left wing students used to talk much about a word 'Bujarva' (bourgeoisie). The common admirers of communism never understood meaning of 'Bujarva' then and now too.

People used to call glazed papered Soviet Union magazine (free) and used to amaze by reading so many facilities for poor in Soviet Union. Soviet magazine was costlier than Indian magazines in old paper (raddi) market. Later, marketing professors taught us publicity, promotion and perception. Professors offered us the case study of Soviet Union Magazine as the best example of great publicity. The Magazine sold the hell as 'the best place for living' and Indians accepted it too.

Indira Gandhi ended communist movement in India barring Bengal, Kerala or Tripura. Her 'Garibi Hatao' slogan attracted Tata, Birla and Bata too because before American business houses Tata, Birla and Bata were poor.

As student, I worked for Congress, Janasangh and Communist party in election time.  Congress and Janasangh workers used to offer us full breakfast and good lavish lunch. Communist workers used to preach us getting tea from rich comrades, buy tea by own money or be hungry. 

Slowly, Indians knew that only equality was not enough. All poor but equal or all equal but all poor ideology lost charms among Indian poor. Prosperity less communist movement did not work and most of the communists joined Congress, Janta Party or its branches or Bhartiya Janta Party.

There is no hope for communism movement revival.  

 

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Wife liked, loved Beard and now Wife hates Beard

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , ,


​South Asian Humor: Bhishma Kukreti

The wife said, "Immediately go to 'Eenta Salon' or call 'Eenta Salon' barber. Don't visit star rated salon, air conditioned salon or normal salon. Visit only 'Eenta Salon'"

'Eenta Salon' means barber shaving or cutting on the bricks.

I said, "I know that on father's shradh day I have to cut little bit head hair and little bit beard from Eenta Salon barber. But today is Puranmasi the first Shradh and father's shradh comes on eleventh day. "

"I know that today is Puranmasi the first shradh day."

"Then why should I visit Eenta salon?"

"Because there is no Budget left for the month for hair cutting, beard cutting and nail cutting"

"I am asking what the need for visiting Eenta Salon is."

"For shaving your beard."

"For shaving my beard?"

"Yes"

"You know that now, I love my well grown beard more than any else."

"So what? Now time has come for clean shaved men"

"Even you always admired and loved my beard. You always boost among your women friends for my beard"

"Now, I will never allow you for showing your beard face before any woman even 99 years old woman."

"What is this nonsense?"

"Not at all"

"I never liked beard face and you only asked for growing beard"

"Yes!  Then, women were different and now, women have changed."

"What is the relation of my beard with changing women?"

"When I asked you for growing beard, that time, women hated beard men."

"What? What? Women hated beard men?"

"Yes! That time, I read New York Times news that women hated beard men and I never wanted that women were attracted to you. So I asked you had beard."

"What weird?"

"It is simple that wife does not like other women are attracted by her husband"

"Now?"

"Today, I read Australia Times stating 'women prefer men with beard for long term relationship'. So get your beard shaved. I will be happy with clean shaved husband"

 

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 2016

Sorry! Belching, Burping Culture is ending

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Wednesday, 14 September 2016 | Posted in , , , , , ,


​South Asian Humor:
Bhishma Kukreti

Ages before, belching culture took birth and flourished for hundreds of years and this century will see the death of belching, burping culture. Belching end is so sad, so heart touching for old generation and so pleasant some for modern men.

One of my oldest childhood memories is watching and hearing belching. I remember Ghanna Dada the famous belcher of my region. Ghanna Nand Dada Ji was a prosperous man of my village.  After every meal Ghanna Dada used to blench so loudly that village women used to call their children, husband or guests, "Listen …! It is time for meal as Ghanna Sasur Ji has already belched thrice."

Dunkur Singh Tau Ji was another great belcher, louder than Ghana Dada. However, being a Rajput, he had to burp less loudly than Ghanna Dada because Ghanna Dada was a Brahmin. There were stories in my village that in childhood, Dunkur Singh Tau Ji used to blench louder than Ghanna Dada.  However, village Brahmin community did not allow the louder blench by a Rajput and threatened Dunkur Singh's father for expelling from community (Hukka Pani Band) if Dunkur Singh did not lower his burping loudness than Ghanna Nand. Belching, burping loudness was the identity of prosperity, the caste position and the person with filled stomach fully. I did not remember any woman belching so loudly as men.

In every feast, Pundits used to take meal before others. After finishing meal, there used to be competition for belching, burping among Pundits. Loud belching means big positioned Pundit.

In Shradh or other occasion, if Pundit did not belch; my grandmother used to ask Pundit if he did not had full meal. Belching loudly by Pundits was the symbol of tasty food, spicy food and fulfilled stomach.

I don't remember a Shilpkar belching louder than a child. Poor shilpkars never had their stomach filled fully and was impossible for them belching ever.

After coming to Dehradun, my seniors taught me never belching before anybody as it was uncivilized manner. From then, I stopped belching before others even in severe pain of not belching. I go washroom for belching.

Now, belching before other is uncivilized culture. My sons, daughter in laws and even Lalu Prasad Yadav don't belch openly. Nobody wants to be called as uncivilized Indian. 

Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, 14th September 2016

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