People who watch movie Tamasha found Parliamentary debate more exciting

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Thursday, 26 November 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , , , ,

An extensive survey outside the road of different movie theatres indicated that parliamentary session may affect box office collections of movie Tamasha. According to many viewers in the movie who thought Tamasha would have great entertainment value disappointed on its first day and came back to watch debates in Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha, said a survey conducted by Survey Monkey.


"Almost 89% people think that they witnessed higher entertainment value in the parliamentary debates compared to movies like Tamasha. Many of them went on saying that they really missed entertaining statements of Arun Jaitley who was trying to keep fuel of masala up in the parliament. His goof ups which compared Hitler with Indiraji promises improved standards of the entertainment in Indian Parliament," said Ram Prakash Chautala, surveyor of the survey.

One of the movie viewers, Anand Sharma confirmed the survey with India Satire correspondent. Sharma told correspondent "I avoided going to movie with my friends and now watching Lok Sabha session where everything except pending bills is being discussed. I am getting their messages on WhatsApp and Twitter, they actually pak gaye hai and what I can say, mujhe to majaa aa raha hai!"

Indian Parliament still finds ways to correlate pending bills with topics of discussion

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , ,

With winter session began today, most of the parliamentarians of India still confused with the bill on table and the topic they are discussing, said a source in the Parliament of India.

"Today, I have a document of GST Bill and we are discussing on intolerance thing. So how is Aamir Khan's fear related to GST Bill due to intolerant India would stall India's consumer sector and how will Shahrukh Khan's fear of land acquisition law would make India more intolerant and would stop economic progress and stall key infrastructure projects? I am largely confused today," said a Member of Parliament with anonymity.

He told India Satire correspondent that he plans to go to his constituency to understand how in India if Rahul Gandhi was booed by few college girls in Bengaluru would stall one parliamentary session and would stuck up various bills.

Rahul Gandhi replaces Nobita in Doraemon; Alia Bhatt to replace Shizuka

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Wednesday, 25 November 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , ,

In a major deal to give more credibility to Doraemon in the world, Shin-Ei Animation Pierrot (the studio that produces Doraemon) decided to replace its main character Nobita with Rahul Gandhi.

The studio confirmed India Satire (IS) correspondent that the deal with Gandhi family is reached to final levels and Rahul Gandhi will perform as new Nobita in Doraemon from next season.

Director of Doraemon series, Kozo Kusuba told correspondent that he was observing Rahul Gandhi's behavioral pattern and his activities since past 5-6 years and concluded that Rahul Gandhi is far better than current Nobita in handling delicate nuances of being Doraemon's friend.

Rahul Gandhi talking about intolerance in India

"I am tracking Rahul since past 6 years. He has every ingredient in him to replace Nobita and becomes the best friend of Doraemon. We requested his mummy Sonia Madam to allow him to work with Doraemon and she happily gave us permission," said Kusuba in an exclusive interview to IS (not ISIS).

Rahul Gandhi confirmed the development and said "It will be fun working with Doraemon. I will use all of his gadgets. I will use Doraemon's gun and will vanish Narendra Modi and intolerance from India. Hey whooooppppppeeeeee...... yieeepppppeeeee... yieeeeehhhhhuuuuuu...."

According to sources, Director Kusuba is also considering of replacing Shizuka with Alia Bhatt. The source told that it would be perfect combo of Rahul and Alia. The sources confirmed that Nobita's friends Goda Takeshi and Suneo also welcomed the changes and they are hopeful that with Rahul Baba and Alia Baby they would get their due importance in the series.

With controversial statement, Aamir Khan formally revealed his step by step promotional strategy for Dangal

Posted by Rajat Bedi | Monday, 23 November 2015 | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan on Monday confirmed that joining the rising chorus against growing "intolerance" and publicly uttering his wife Kiran Rao's suggestion to leave the country is actually a promotional activity before releasing his film. He told India Satire correspondent that he will go step by step to ensure that Dangal will be damn hit on the box office. He exclusively revealed all the steps he considers before releasing any movie.

Aamir Khan


"Guys, I am happy that I am here on India Satire to tell you about the successful marketing and promotional strategies to ensure any of my crap movies will succeed on the box office. You guys must have seen my third grade movies like Dhoom 3 and PK but you must have also seen that they are the most successful movies on the box office. So by revealing the strategies of marketing Dangal, I also reveal how to successfully market the crap and third class movies.

Step 1: Always make sure that every step, like from going to toilet or bathroom in the morning, to eating, sleeping, meeting other people and everything even yawning, burping, farting all should be in juxtaposition with the upcoming movie. See it's related to money boss, if you make billions of rupees then even if you shit that shit should be crying for money whenever it releases your tummy. I only think about money and the box office success of my movies easily comes thereafter. Even for that matter, my **** with ex-*** and putting my **** into mental hospital were real promotional ideas.

Step 2: Do anything that will help you garner public attention. So put yourself involved in Narmada Bachao Aandolan before Fanaa so that your fans who hate Narendra Modi would want to see that crap movie. Keep a big moustache to promote your third rated movie 'Mangal Pandey'. I will continue to stay 100kg of weight till the release of Dangal.

Step 3: Make some controversial statement to gain attention. Like this time it's 'Intolerance in India'. So it will allow me to promote both my tv program 'Satyamev Jayate' and movie 'Dangal'. Forget 'Incredible India' campaign, I am not going to get a single penny from it.

Step 4: Release some negativity filled program like Satyamev Jayate to show you are a heart filled person for society. I can also artificially shed some tears for no reason which I have learnt in my child hood. If you closely look at my programs they either try to weigh on political changes or before release of my movie. For example, previous year Satyamev Jayate was released twice, one before election (don't want to tell why before elections or is it because Modi and BJP) and one before release of PK. This year there was no benefit in releasing Satyamev Jayate as there is no political event lined up or no movie is going to be released. But next year I would require to release it and therefore my marketing for Satyamev Jayate, now and Dangal later has begun.

Hope you guys have understood my promotional activities.

In short, the following are the steps for successful box office releases

Step 1: Lock your ass to money making ideas

Step 2: Do anything to gain public attention

Step 3: Comment crap but controversial on social issues

Step 4: Release some third rated program before movie release"

Pk 2 will be based on moving out of "ee gola to dusra gola" - Aamir Khan

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , , , ,

Popular Bollywood film actor Aamir Khan confirmed that his statement that his wife wanted to move out of India is actually a promotion for his next movie PK2. He told India Satire correspondent that he would not move out of India but from the earth itself.

"Hum ee gola me se nikal ke uu gola ma jaayenge," entered in a character of PK, Aamir indicated to some planet in the evening "Hamaar wife Kiranwa batiya rahi thi ki uu ka mobies ka balue sirf aur sirf uu gola ma hai. Humka bhi laagat rahi ki ee golama abai kaafi kam log paagal rahai jo humka Dhoom 3 dekhai sakat hai. Uu gola ma jyaada kamaai hot rahi. Hum uu PK 2 ma Kiranwa ko leyi rahe hai aur uu ka leke dusra gola ma entry mare rahe hai."

Special Note: Anushka Sharma's make-up in PK was similar to Kiran Rao due to Aamir's fascination of carrying his wife everywhere.

In another statement, Aamir Khan told India Satire correspondent that he would like to loosen some burden of intolerant people on India and therefore he decided to picturize this PK 2 in some other country and finally after releasing the movie he will move to some other planet to release some burden on earth.

Movie Preview of Tamasha by SP Tulsian: Recommends Accumulate

Posted by Rajat Bedi | | Posted in , , , , , , , , , , ,

(Not restricting ourselves to film veterans, we decided to ask few deprived and congested souls to give preview on upcoming bollywood movies. This time we bring to you India's most selling and most watched equity analyst Mr. SP Tulsian who has backed from his 14 months of wanwaas (forest living) to CNBC TV18. As the section is related to movies, we are not going to discuss the reason of his departure from and come back in CNBC TV 18. Just to give a clue, its related to his reversal of reverse recommendation strategy. We recommend our readers to consider his preview as reverse recommendation for Imtiyaz Ali directed film 'Tamasha'.)

SP Tulsian
Hi guys,
I am very proud of being on India Satire (IS) to bring to you preview of movie Tamasha. Before talking about the movie first of all I want to clarify that IS is a total crap website which doesn't make any sense. This hopeless satire website always pulled out my legs by bringing my trading secrets in front of you. This crap web site, however, helped my investors earn huge money by using my pet reverse trading strategies and therefore I am giving movie preview on Tamasha.
Disclaimer: I disclose that I don't have any stake in IS, nor in ISIS and never in Tamasha.
My Preview guide of Tamasha
v  So guys I have studied the model of movie Tamasha directed by Imtiaz Ali in its plant visit to one of the small size and congested theatres in the town. The plant was very dusky just like any 'Bidi manufacturing plant' in India with a golden touch of a foreign country, my associate told me that this country was invaded by IS recently (Editor's Note: it's ISIS and not IS). Two workers, just looking like another bidi laborers in India with western attire, one male and other female were dancing and singing in the first half and crying and yelling in the second half while rest of the others were robotically moving behind them.
v  The entire business (movie) was highly labor oriented with a little focus on machinery part, although both the workers had tendency to convert themselves into machines to support the production process (again movie). This transmission was so superb and easy that most of the times I thought I was watching two robots working like real man and woman. Then I came to know from my assistant analyst that both were actually man and woman and they were connected to some other machine, which was operated by a curly hair man called Imtiaz Ali. Ali was also director of the movie. Assistant also told me that both these human beings have habit to act like robots.
v  So Ali controlled all the face expressions and body movements of these two workers using computer that was connected using bluetooth.
v  Story is simple, male robot and female robot meets each other carrying forward their face expressions from their past movies. They dance, sing and enjoys together in a city where Asterix and Obelix enjoyed few days of their lives. Now why Ali created a movie in the city where Asterix and Obelix stayed for a while? Because of rising intolerance in India.
v  The first robot becomes more perfect robot in the second half. So in the first half, the first robot which could also move his hands and shake his legs along with a single face expression provides rest to his body in the second half and stops moving his hands and legs. The other robot (female one) had beautiful eyes, staring expressionlessly at the first robot in the first half and allowing tears to flow in the similar kind of expressions in the second half. Hope that director knew what she wanted to illustrate through those perfect stares. So it's a story of second robot bringing first robot from perfect robot state to just a robot state while the second robot itself becomes the perfect robot in the climax.
v  There are 2 other robots in the background of the movie to keep mechanical tempo of the movie going. These 2 robots continually released robotic gases to provide the other two robots all the ammunition to yell, cry and shout insanely throughout the movie. Robots in the background composed the music and sang the songs. One robot whose name was AR Rahman not just cries and yells all from his single a$$hole but also he composed the so called 'music' for same. My grandfather was a big fan of his music in Roja and Bombay. Even my Pappa had listened and sang his music in Slum dog Millionaire. His habit to shriek and shout from his bowel has increased thereafter. There was another robot whose name is Arijit Singh needs a special mention here. My grandson started crying immediately during the movie after listening the Arijit's voice. Ali provided him cotton cubes to save strength of his ears. Just when we came out of the movie hall, my grandson pointed towards one donkey and started crying again. Since then my grandson is so terrified of Arijit Singh's voice that whenever he sees a picture of donkey he starts yelling and crying.
v  So Latha and Sonia (it's habitual), I am a bit depressed after watching Tamasha. If you look at the performance of Imtiaz Ali, as an investor I am not very happy. See it's like Reliance Industries whose performance is improving but market cap is tumbling while in case of Imtiaz the performance is declining while his pocket cash is increasing. If you look at consumer trend, 90% Indian cinema viewers love depressed and sadist movies and with a growth of 25% YoY. The market size of the depressed and negative movies is 85% of the total movies released. Tamasha has scored 99% of depression rate and I believe that the movie is ingeniously depressed and extremely sadist which I think would help in robust listing gains for the investors (producers) of the movie. However, long term sustainability is highly unlikely as there are very few movies which make you cry but also repeat watch.
v  As usual to any other AR Rahman music, background music is hummable but words in the songs are not. Be ready to listen to those words which you never have heard on this planet.
v  Rizwan Khan who first found out in My Name is Khan liked Tamasha and I believe many like him would also love this movie. For them I give 5 stars and for others its 1 star. By the way, message of secularism is that this movie has shot in Corsica and not in India.


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